Psychologists describe 5 stages of grief based on the Kubler-Ross model introduced by Swiss psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book, ‘On Death and Dying’. Although originally ascribed to the emotional stages experienced due to death of a loved one, the model can also be useful to understand the responses to any subjective trauma that a person may go through, for example a relationship breakup, a job loss, or a ‘OMG! I am a US taxpayer’ moment.
The key here is ‘subjective trauma’. Many ‘US persons’ know what it is like to have people roll their eyes, yawn, or wonder why we are so worked up, just because we discover we are subject to FATCA (what’s the big deal? You ARE an American!), or because we discover we are US taxpayers (if you don’t like it why don’t you renounce?). Typically, we do not get the sympathy one would get if we had a serious illness, or lost our job, or divorced our spouse.
Non-US persons for the most part, just do not ‘get’ the ‘US person’ curse, because to be FATCA’d and CBT’d is not within the realm of normal human experiences. We are unique and special in the world that way – thanks to USA’s exceptional treatment of those it deems ‘US persons’. Nevertheless it IS traumatic for those of us who have lived most or all our lives in countries other than the USA, and who have never had a clue we were US taxpayers on our non-US income, to be FATCA’d and CBT’d.
The following are the 5 stages of grief as outlined in the Kubler-Ross model. Keep in mind that these stages are not necessarily linear. One day you may feel like you are angry beyond belief, and the next day you may feel that it just is what it is. Hopefully, at some point, most of your days will fall into the latter category.
Denial.
The first reaction to hearing one has a terminal illness, or their house burned down, or they are subject to the tax laws of a foreign country, is denial. This just CANNOT be for real. It makes no sense. This has got to be wrong. How could I have lived all these years and NOT known I was a US taxpayer? There must be exceptions for people like me who don’t live in the USA. They surely cannot be referring to ME.
Anger.
Once the initial shock wears off, anger follows. We want to blame someone or something. We may be angry at the doctor who gives us a bad diagnosis, at the driver who caused the accident, or at ourselves for not doing something to prevent whatever bad thing happened. We are angry at the Canadian government for not standing up for us, at our spouse who thinks we are over reacting, at our neighbour who doesn’t want to listen to our rants, at ourselves for not figuring out years ago that we were US taxpayers, or at the American government for acting like it owns us.
Bargaining.
This is the stage where we play games with ourselves, and with others, desperately trying to ‘work it out’ or ‘fix things’, so that we can go back to the way things were before. The person whose romantic relationship is at an end may promise to change their behaviour – anything to not have the relationship end. The dying patient may promise God he/she will be a better person or take better care of himself/herself – anything to not have to die. The newly aware US taxpayer searches for a way to work out their non-compliance: streamlined program? 5 years tax compliance catch-up? – just please don’t penalize me for my ignorance.
Depression.
Reality is setting in now. There is no easy way out. We are not going to bring our loved one back. Our job is gone forever. The relationship is definitely over. No matter which route we take to solving our ‘US taxpayer status’ we are going to pay – whether that be in taxes, compliance fees, penalties, loss of privacy, loss of US citizenship, or by being forced into hiding. It sucks no matter how you look at it, and this just makes us sad. 🙁
Acceptance.
Psychologists and grief counsellors say you are lucky if you get to this point. Many people get stuck in anger or depression for years or even a lifetime – the widower who becomes a recluse when his wife passes away, the mother who mourns a lifetime for the child she lost, the aspiring athlete who never made it to the big leagues and seems forever lost in his former glory years, the ‘hidden’ US person who cannot shake the mental chains of his unwanted ‘US taxpayer status’ even if he has logistically found a way to deal with it. The luckier people at some point accept the reality of what has happened and find a place to put it so that it does not interfere in their daily lives anymore. The widower finds peacefulness alone, or maybe finds new love. The mom, whose child is gone, remembers the happy times she spent with him/her and stops dwelling on what was lost. The US person, finds a way to deal with his/her own particular situation – stays hidden, or becomes tax compliant, or renounces – and moves on with his/her life.
@Don
Your comment about a “growing US ex-pat tax rebellion” reminded me of the period of British rule of India. You may recall Gandhi’s “Salt March” that took place on or about 1930. It is described as follows:
http://www.history.com/topics/salt-march
The PFIC rules are a protectionist measure to help the U.S. domestic mutual fund industry. They are aimed at the destruction and control of Americans abroad.
The decree from the Homeland is:
All Americans, (if they are worth calling Americans) should American and ONLY American mutual funds.
The history of the decline of the United States might include:
Unlike, the then U.S. President Barack Obama, this group of Americans abroad did NOT believe that:
Imagine massive “Ex Pat Disobedience” – Purchasing mutual funds in your country of residence!
@MonaLisa……I will say what needs to be said….you were robbed. So was Calgary411 and so many others……robbed.
Yes you are correct, unless you have worn these shoes, other people do not understand.
A month ago, I gave a women her OMG moment…….
She was introduced to me and was planning of Happy America/Home talk…….
Her face went ashen……….
Husband came over and he was in disbelief………because it does not make sense!!!
She took notes on where to look online……I did some math on likely compliance cost and exposure cost. Is it not insane that we have gotten to the point where we hear some life details that we can rattle off condor fees, possible tax and maximum exposure penalties? She was shocked…….likely ready to break into tears…….
I think in the end she will be like you without her husbands help……
@George, this is true. I had been self-filing all along and was oblivious to the PFIC laws and the saving clause of the Treaty which allows for double taxation on US persons as though it didn’t exist. All this legal double-speak…
As we don’t even have to mention ISA income or pension contributions on our UK tax returns,I assumed the treaty protected me from having to worry about declaring it on my US tax return….also got into a muddle and believed that the IRS was only interested in my total income if it went above the FEIE amounts.
I would have been much better off had I never been filing in the first place. I was thus already in the system so essentially a deer frozen in the headlights of FBAR and impending FATC. my finances had become cancerous.
Had I never filed, I would have had more room to maneuver instead of feeling forced into a panicked compliance decision.
I realise that technically, a non-filer is even more vulnerable because all their unfilled returns are still fully open to audit but the fact that I’d already been filing meant that the IRS would probably hold me to a higher standard of accountability. Others can more easily feign ignorance.
@George
Right on!
Actually, the @DemsAbroad FATCA “same country exemption” is designed to apply only to those Americans abroad who are “tax compliant”. (Presumably the “Senior Management of @DemsAbroad”). It is going to one “funny” day when those same @Demsabroad who are sanctimoniously arguing for the same country exemption learn that they themselves are NOT U.S. tax compliant.
But hey, they aren’t called the “Stepford Wives” for nothing!
@George
In reference to your:
Q. How would you describe the aging process for American citizens abroad?
A. The accumulation of taxes and penalties.
@USCitizenAbroad……I think another problem with groups like ACA, DA and RO is they and homelanders in general will never admit that the USA has had MANY emigrants!!!
But to admit that people are leaving in any number means that your place is not so exceptional after all. At best you can say its not a city of light on the hill but just an average place on par with Greece or Denmark.
Polly re: “I dont want to speak for others here, but how many have gotten to acceptance? I think most don`t intend to. ”
I don’t think that ‘acceptance’ in terms of the grief model, means just bend over and take it, as our dear friend Mr Lesperance seems to be suggesting. It is more about where you are at emotionally, regardless how you decide to deal with your ‘US personhood’. The final stage is back to one of stability, where you are ready and actively involved in moving on to the next phase of your life. The terminally ill person may be sorting out their will and helping others to accept the inevitability of their death. The person who lost their job will be actively seeking new work. The US person, may decide to come into compliance and/or renounce or simply tell USA to go get stuffed and find a way to beat the system (my choice btw). The pain of ‘US personhood’ will forever be a part of us, though we will feel it more some days than others. Acceptance simply means we are ready to try and move on as best we can.
George re: ” My path to Acceptance was along the Merlot Highway and the Reisling Trail……and to the disbelief of homelanders was not campaign but was always purchased by the case at the Hypermarkets in Boulogne and not, repeat not in Monte Carlo…….oh and for less than Two Euro per bottle……”
LOL. You and me both! I’m still on that highway though – guess this means I am not quite at acceptance stage. (btw, I presume you meant CHAMPAGNE, not campaign).
@Whitecat, I still wonder of Mr Lesperance isn’t in fact merely a compliance wolf in sheep’s clothing!! I daresay our more immediate threat are from the vultures and overly-complicit banks rather than a more cash-strapped, remote IRS who relies on these henchmen.
MonaLisa, Mr. Lesperance is indeed a compliance condor who promotes, ‘bending over and taking it’ as the only path to ‘acceptance’.
See: http://lesperanceassociates.com/
I too went through the 5 stages and am now I believe to be in the “acceptance” stage.
I don’t necessarly like the word “acceptance” because I am not accepting of my situation only acknolgeding it and getting on with my life. I am self relinquished in that I do not have a cln and will never be getting one. if it was good enough for America in 1980 when I took out Canadian citizenship it should be good enough today.
I have accepted I will never travel to the us of a ever again…..took a while to work through this.
I have accepted that I had to change from a big 5 bank to a “local client base” credit union
I have accepted that were a brown envelope ever to show up in my post office box it would promptly be put in the circular file
I have accepted that I will have to once again contribute to the lawsuit for this quarter
I have accepted that there is nothing about me that is American, I lost those ties in 1980 when I became a CANADIAN citizen
I have accepted that in this coming federal election I will be working hard for the party that seems to have the best chance to beat john Weston for his federal seat
I have NOT accepted that this game over. there is still a long long way to go before FATCA is shot and put out of our misery.
I have accepted that I am in this for the long haul until all 7 million of us are clear and free of the clutches of a country we were so unluckily born into.
@WhiteKat, Thank you.
In the middle of my anger/rebellion, I too do have some acceptance.
I accept that in 1992, I did everything right, upon seeking information from the Toronto consulate. I continued upon my merry way as a Canadian-only citizen, per their advice regarding their ditizenship law.
I accept that the US, as a country, is as corrupt as any tinpot dictatorship.
I accept that my CLN is worth only what the corrupt US will allow it to be worth.
I accept that, going forward as a law-abiding Canadian, I must still guard myself from both my own government, and that of the US.
The fairy tale of work hard and reap the benefits is over.
Yes, @George, I was robbed. Even my husband closed ranks on me…I learned then that we all have a price. He has refused to to return the substantial money I’d put in his name as a shield and even once over-heard him say ‘don’t ever marry an American…he’s looking put for number one, just as I will now have to do….we keep all our money completely separate so I will have to fend for myself even though we could have relaxed had he been willing to pool our assets.
I even had,to pay all the taxes and huge accounting fees put of my substantially reduced savings,even though I had gifted him stuff. It was as though he was kicking me when I was most vulnerable.
The main reason I’ve stayed is because I frankly lack the wherewithal to go. I would face hardship if I left. I’m on a limited income on a zero hours job so have no guaranteed income or even job security. He has a secure pension and portfolio…at least he is a decent cook! 😉
Money isn’t everything, thank God.
@The Mom, I would say that America for all it’s faults is not completely corrupt but we’re all shocked because we’d been brought up to believe it was exceptional. It’s a mixture of good and bad like other countries.
I also believe that it’s losing its youthful idealism and becoming imperialistic. I know that the UK is far from perfect too but you learn to live with the ambiguity.
I know people who live in Poland and they say similar things about the place….they resent it’s corrupt government officials but still find life has a profound ‘sweetness” there, perhaps because they have had to face adversities in the past.
It’s kind of funny to now read how I described going through the “stages of grief” as how I was feeling when I first started participating in Brock back in March of 2012.
http://isaacbrocksociety.ca/2012/03/17/a-story-from-ovdi-hell-or-how-to-exact-tribute-from-a-country-without-firing-a-shot/
In retrospect, I now realize I did so only in the HOPE that I would actually get through this in the prescribed manner – as I can’t seem to get myself out of the anger phase. I now realize that it’s not up to me to accept ANYTHING – it’s up to the US to modify its behaviour!
It’s absolutely normal for someone to feel and remain angry for something that makes so little sense. The only thing I’ve accepted is that I’ll continue to feel angry until it does and that I’m not going to stand like a deer in the headlights while it’s happening. I will try to effect change in the best way I can knowing that until the thorn of CBT is removed, true healing will never occur. Even those who’ve removed themselves from danger by renouncing recognize this and will go to their graves fighting for others what they surrendered because of idiotic legislation that has no place in the world.
Would it be too optimistic to say that the US is going through the “stages of grief” itself at the loss of CBT, denial being the foremost one at this stage?
@moanerlisa1776
Do you think that because of our conditioning, Americans might think too much of their citizenship?
Bubbles, of course Americans are full of their self-centered universe. I never went through grief when I renounce and did not even shed a tear. It helps to have not lived in the USA for 30 years while it transforms itself into an uglier monster. It is not the country I grew up in.
Bubblebustin re: “I will try to effect change in the best way I can knowing that until the thorn of CBT is removed, true healing will never occur. Even those who’ve removed themselves from danger by renouncing recognize this and will go to their graves fighting for others what they surrendered because of idiotic legislation that has no place in the world.”
I think that not everyone can nor should be expected to react the same way. Some people NEED to get past anger and depression and get on with their lives, and cannot afford to wait for FATCA or CBT to be eliminated to get to that point, as the anger and depression can cause a lot of personal issues. If for example, a person’s anger is causing problems in their marriage, or they are finding themselves over indulging in alcohol due to depression, it will be necessary to find ways to get to acceptance stage sooner rather than later.
However acceptance doesn’t necessarily mean giving up the fight either; it means acknowledging the reality of the situation and finding healthy ways to deal with it rather than letting anger or depression rule your daily life. Also, I think we can find ourselves moving back and forth through the stages, and can even be in multiple stages at once . One can be mainly in acceptance stage, yet still be angry, and actively protesting FATCA and/or CBT – for example by donating to the Canadian lawsuit, commenting on articles, etc. The difference between someone stuck in anger or depression, versus someone who has experienced acceptance, I think is more about the degree to which the trauma continues to negatively effect one’s life. Too much anger or depression is not healthy and a sign to try to work on getting to the next stage – regardless whether one considers themselves an activist for the cause or not, and regardless how many years it will take until FATCA or CBT become history.
@ WhiteKat,
That’s been a key point for me. I feel the US has stolen enough of my life and I can’t let it continue to steal more of my life. The whole point for me on OMG day was to get them out of my life, so I could resume life as I knew it — but it overwhelmed my life for months.
I think anger is a completely appropriate emotion, and I think that it’s really important to not let the anger or depression continue to overwhelm one’s life. I think it’s like recovering from a serious accident, where you come back but it leaves scars or a less-than-complete recovery, but you don’t want it to ruin any more of your life than it already has.
I think everyone’s goal, who gets caught up in this, no matter what their circumstances are (current dual citizen, current uni-citizen, former citizen, accidental, green carder), is to be themself again, to live their normal life again. For some people, extrication is relatively easy – I stress “relatively” because it’s a complicated mess for everyone — but some people, due to their circumstances, are really stuck or trapped in it. And this latter really concerns me because people need closure.
@Bubblebustin
Yes, people in the U.S. totally overrate the attractiveness of U.S. citizenship. People in the U.S. think that the entire world wants to move there. Of course, most people want to stay where they are, as long as their country isn’t a complete basket case. There are, of course, some people who really want to got to the U.S. very badly, but not everyone. At times, young people in the U.K. have been more interested in emigrating to Australia than to the U.S and the U.S. has bizarrely actually worried about it..
I think one of the bad things the U.S. is doing is messing with people’s sense of who they are. If someone believes that they are really Canadian and the U.S. government insists that they are mainly an American who happens to live in Canada, that is just not going to end well.
@Pacifica and @Bubblebustin, I did indeed grow up with a sense that my USC was precious so I deeply grieved giving it up. As for America being an evil country, I don’t necessarily believe it’s any worse than many other countries; I just think that my eyes have been opened to its self-serving interests.
I have grown cynical though try to let go of bitterness because it will only fester. I’d even like to think that one day, the US will invite its renunciants to restore their citizenship if things are truly reformed . Of course, many if not most would spurn such an offer but it would be gracious if it were at least put forward.
Many, especially with Jewish heritage, found refuge in retaining the blue passport, just in case there were another Shoah….
So none of this is black and white, at least not for me. I still love my husband too in spite of the past hurts. 😉
@ Publius,
It is very disorienting. Like I’m supposed to become a different person? And weirder, like most of my life never really happened? That was the primary motivator in my insistence on getting a CLN rather than self-documenting my 1978 relinquishment. They tried to play games with my life, with the reality of my life, and that really rubbed me the wrong way. I got real satisfaction from making the bully admit I was right all along.
@Pacifica, American nationalism is almost like a cult!
@ George
Two things:
1. “In the tradition of AA……My name is George, I am not a US Citizen, I relinquished my US Citizenship a decade ago, I do not have a CLN and I am good with that. I have traveled to the USA on my sole passport which is not a US Passport, if at some point I am refused entry I will never return to the USA for any reason and I am good with that.”
While I statutorily relinquished my US Citizenship on April 21, 1984 (my 25th birthday), and my name is not George, the rest of your statement EXACTLY mirrors my current approach to this situation. I feel like brothers-in-arms with you now 😉
2. “Boris Johnson was the first salvo…….
But we need for them to try with Mr. and Mrs. Jones in Newcastle.”
Or, perhaps, with the church bell ringers in Chartham, Kent:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/personalfinance/bank-accounts/11571643/Church-bell-ringers-in-Kent-told-to-fill-out-US-tax-form-to-open-bank-account.html
@MoanerLisa, re: “Even my husband closed ranks on me…I learned then that we all have a price. …At least he is a decent cook! …So none of this is black and white, at least not for me. I still love my husband too in spite of the past hurts. ”
Well you know what they say,”the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” I guess that works for us gals too!