Psychologists describe 5 stages of grief based on the Kubler-Ross model introduced by Swiss psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book, ‘On Death and Dying’. Although originally ascribed to the emotional stages experienced due to death of a loved one, the model can also be useful to understand the responses to any subjective trauma that a person may go through, for example a relationship breakup, a job loss, or a ‘OMG! I am a US taxpayer’ moment.
The key here is ‘subjective trauma’. Many ‘US persons’ know what it is like to have people roll their eyes, yawn, or wonder why we are so worked up, just because we discover we are subject to FATCA (what’s the big deal? You ARE an American!), or because we discover we are US taxpayers (if you don’t like it why don’t you renounce?). Typically, we do not get the sympathy one would get if we had a serious illness, or lost our job, or divorced our spouse.
Non-US persons for the most part, just do not ‘get’ the ‘US person’ curse, because to be FATCA’d and CBT’d is not within the realm of normal human experiences. We are unique and special in the world that way – thanks to USA’s exceptional treatment of those it deems ‘US persons’. Nevertheless it IS traumatic for those of us who have lived most or all our lives in countries other than the USA, and who have never had a clue we were US taxpayers on our non-US income, to be FATCA’d and CBT’d.
The following are the 5 stages of grief as outlined in the Kubler-Ross model. Keep in mind that these stages are not necessarily linear. One day you may feel like you are angry beyond belief, and the next day you may feel that it just is what it is. Hopefully, at some point, most of your days will fall into the latter category.
Denial.
The first reaction to hearing one has a terminal illness, or their house burned down, or they are subject to the tax laws of a foreign country, is denial. This just CANNOT be for real. It makes no sense. This has got to be wrong. How could I have lived all these years and NOT known I was a US taxpayer? There must be exceptions for people like me who don’t live in the USA. They surely cannot be referring to ME.
Anger.
Once the initial shock wears off, anger follows. We want to blame someone or something. We may be angry at the doctor who gives us a bad diagnosis, at the driver who caused the accident, or at ourselves for not doing something to prevent whatever bad thing happened. We are angry at the Canadian government for not standing up for us, at our spouse who thinks we are over reacting, at our neighbour who doesn’t want to listen to our rants, at ourselves for not figuring out years ago that we were US taxpayers, or at the American government for acting like it owns us.
Bargaining.
This is the stage where we play games with ourselves, and with others, desperately trying to ‘work it out’ or ‘fix things’, so that we can go back to the way things were before. The person whose romantic relationship is at an end may promise to change their behaviour – anything to not have the relationship end. The dying patient may promise God he/she will be a better person or take better care of himself/herself – anything to not have to die. The newly aware US taxpayer searches for a way to work out their non-compliance: streamlined program? 5 years tax compliance catch-up? – just please don’t penalize me for my ignorance.
Depression.
Reality is setting in now. There is no easy way out. We are not going to bring our loved one back. Our job is gone forever. The relationship is definitely over. No matter which route we take to solving our ‘US taxpayer status’ we are going to pay – whether that be in taxes, compliance fees, penalties, loss of privacy, loss of US citizenship, or by being forced into hiding. It sucks no matter how you look at it, and this just makes us sad. 🙁
Acceptance.
Psychologists and grief counsellors say you are lucky if you get to this point. Many people get stuck in anger or depression for years or even a lifetime – the widower who becomes a recluse when his wife passes away, the mother who mourns a lifetime for the child she lost, the aspiring athlete who never made it to the big leagues and seems forever lost in his former glory years, the ‘hidden’ US person who cannot shake the mental chains of his unwanted ‘US taxpayer status’ even if he has logistically found a way to deal with it. The luckier people at some point accept the reality of what has happened and find a place to put it so that it does not interfere in their daily lives anymore. The widower finds peacefulness alone, or maybe finds new love. The mom, whose child is gone, remembers the happy times she spent with him/her and stops dwelling on what was lost. The US person, finds a way to deal with his/her own particular situation – stays hidden, or becomes tax compliant, or renounces – and moves on with his/her life.
Just say NO.
Where does Rebellion fit in?
I moved through the phases.
TomAlciere,
I get you re: “just say no”. Giving up is not acceptance I don’t think. Acceptance is more about how it impacts you emotionally – does the anger define you? or does acceptance define you even though you have decided to say ‘no’?
@TheMom, Rebellion = anger I would say.
@WhiteKat
Every one moves at their own pace with issues… there is nothing set in stone on how one needs to behave or feel… there is nothing wrong with that… this issue is not easy to deal with but you can’t let the anger rule your life… my dad puts it in a better context… u live your life once… its your choice to opt to be as happy as u can or u can be unhappy & stuck with regrets later on then u will be dead… there is no do over in life… this will pass… go for a walk… shop… whatever makes u feel good…
I hug, kiss, & baby talk my teenagers in front of their friends… tell the kids… their choice will be an aspirin, ice, or a band-aid… emergency room is closed, or my drama filled toddler who has a tiny boo-boo & acts like her arm fell off… u want me to cut off the other one, too? Little things make me feel good… the kids can get a group rate for therapy when they are older… that is how I look at… do what u have to…. accept… fight… whatever… there is no right or wrong…
@ The Mom, WhiteKat,
Re:
I think rebellion is fighting back! Channeling anger into positive things like writing informative comments on the internet, supporting ADCS, helping others to extricate themselves from the US and avoid condors, making the UN Human Rights complaint and the submissions to the US Senate/Congress … and all the various things that people are doing.
@Pacifica and TheMom,
For sure, rebellion is fighting back. This is where a lot gets accomplished as you have outlined (lawsuits, UN complaints, etc, etc), as part of the ‘anger’ stage, which does not have to disappear for one to have reached ‘acceptance’ stage. It’s not a linear process from what I understand. I think, (not having any psychology background) that the model is useful to help put emotions (not necessarily work related accomplishments) into perspective and to ascertain where one is at, where one has been, and where one has not been yet on an emotional level. It is perfectly valid to be at ACCEPTANCE stage for the most part, yet still be feeling ANGER, and still fighting back – in rebellion. I suspect there is a problem only if you are STUCK at any one stage emotionally and cannot move on at all. I think that if you can move on, yet still move back and forth, you are ultimately moving forward.
I’m stuck on rebellion. 😀
I do understand the process. I lost my mother to skin cancer in 2009 at a young 64 years old, only 13 months after we lost her mother. We received her diagnosis only 4 months after my grandmother’s death. My grandmother had Alzheimers. My mother and I were her caregivers. I was my mother’s caregiver. A month before Mom died, she went to hospice, and my father (then 65) to the bottom of a bottle, so I became HIS caregiver at the same time. He suffered a stroke-like episode 9 months after my mother died, three weeks after HIS mother died. He now has dementia.
I know grief, and it’s stages. I learned I was being called a US person right after all of this happened. I went STRAIGHT to anger/rebellion. I had already learned all of the other stages well, but had nowhere to vent my anger in those situations.
I’ve saved it all for THIS!
@TheMom. I am sorry to hear what you have been through with your mom, grandmother, and father. It is F’d sometimes how everything bad seems to happen at once, or one thing right after the next, and keeps on happening to the point where you think, ‘have you hit me with your best shot?!’ FATCA must seem like nothing in comparison to what you have been through.
I dont want to speak for others here, but how many have gotten to acceptance? I think most don`t intend to.
I’m stuck at total refusal
Before And After – Your LIfe Will Never Be The Same
The OMG moment is a “life altering event”. After this discovery your life will NEVER be the same. It reminds me of the 1996 movie “Before and After”.
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This is an interesting post. It would be interesting to see how “Homelanders” would respond to it.
The OMG is one of the most memorable, significant, traumatizing and life altering moments you will ever experience. The United States of America has inflicted NOT a tyranny so much, but a “TERRORany” on the world based on “place of birth”. I was once describing this to someone, who looked at my in disbelief and said:
The experience of having been born in the United States, but living outside the United States simply cannot be understood. “U.S. citizenship is NOW (thanks to the “Hopey, Changy Guy”) a very serious accusation. Those with a “U.S. place of birth” are now hunted the world over. This also demonstrates how and why U.S. “place of birth taxation” is certainly a human rights violation (as was described in the complaint to the United Nations).
https://isaacbrocksociety.ca/2014/07/28/human-rights-complaint-on-behalf-of-all-u-s-persons-abroad-has-now-been-submitted/
Understanding The Disability of U.S. Citizenship Abroad
The problem of U.S. citizenship is also a problem that you will NOT get any sympathy/empathy for. The reason(s) for this seems to me to be a combination of:
1. It’s a tax issue (nobody will get empathy for tax issues)
2. There is extreme hostility toward Americans the world over
3. Nobody can understand what “place of birth” taxation really is until you have understood the actual reality of how it affects lives. Frankly few tax professionals and lawyers understand this either.
This post reminded me of any interesting comment posted on this blog in 2013 by a lawyer. I quote the full comment below. But, it includes:
https://isaacbrocksociety.ca/2013/09/16/americansabroad-in-canada-may-soon-be-unable-to-receive-payments-from-government/comment-page-1/#comment-538787
@USCitizenAbroad
So what this guy is saying is that we should come to acceptance of injustice? What a joke.
@Polly………Bravo….Kudos……..
I have gotten to Acceptance with the help, encouragement, solidarity and fellowship of everyone at IBS!!!!
My path to Acceptance was along the Merlot Highway and the Reisling Trail……and to the disbelief of homelanders was not campaign but was always purchased by the case at the Hypermarkets in Boulogne and not, repeat not in Monte Carlo…….oh and for less than Two Euro per bottle……
http://www.boulogne-guide.co.uk/shopping/auchan-hypermarket.html
In the tradition of AA……My name is George, I am not a US Citizen, I relinquished my US Citizenship a decade ago, I do not have a CLN and I am good with that. I have traveled to the USA on my sole passport which is not a US Passport, if at some point I am refused entry I will never return to the USA for any reason and I am good with that.
@US Citizen Abroad, I am going to requote from your blog then comment here;
“During most of my life I have had to endure a tremendous amount of “anti-Americanism”. As a patriotic American I resented the resentment that non-Americans have for America. The more I experienced anti-Americanism the more Patriotic I became. In 2011 my life (like the lives of many U.S. citizens abroad) was turned “upside down”. I began to experience the United States the way the rest of the world does. The most painful realization for me is the realization that those who were “anti-American” were/are right. The United States of America is not – as Margaret Thatcher would say – “that great citadel of freedom and justice”. It is the opposite. Maybe it never was the nation we were taught (as school children) that it was. Maybe, it has evolved into the narcissistic nation that it is.
Regardless of the reason I am a U.S. person no more.”
I can not begin to tell you how helpful your words have just been this morning.
The history is different but the inner core emotion is the same, that is me.
Thank you
@USCA, I agree that when I experienced my OMG moment that my life would never be the same…one moment, things were going really well and was so looking forward to be able to ease off from my exhausting, stressful job by my early 50s…enjoy my husband’s retirement years…but in one full swoop, my dreams were dashed and my innocence lost.
I have become embittered and, frankly, exhausted. I now still have close to a further twenty years of drudgery ahead of me due to the huge financial setbacks that all this has caused me. It has also caused me bitterness towards my family and especially spouse because he was not forthcoming in offering me any help when I was down; instead, he stonewall me financially perhaps to protect himself in case I was going to be wiped out by the IRS or FBAR fines…I suppose it was simply a survival mechanism but it made me realize that I was ultimately on my own with this.
My family and even friends really weren’t interested or even that sympathetic; I suppose they thought that I had somehow brought it all down on myself by past irresponsibility and negligence or even a degree of tax evasion at worst!! So all very murky stuff.
I also have a friend who is quite socialist and has always quietly envied my higher financial status so she felt that I was being knocked down a size with the surpluses going to those beefier…also some had a sense that a good American should be willing to ‘pay her fair share as a member of this special citizenship even though my life and assets had been in England for well over twenty years, etc.
@Mona and all
I repeat, repeat, repeat:
There is NO WAY that people who have not been affected by this can even begin go understand it. One of the greatest challenges for ALL Americans abroad is to UNDERSTAND that those who are involved in this CANNOT understand it. You can’t blame them This is something that is COMPLETELY outside the range of any person’s normal experience.
I find it easier to explain this situation NOT using theory but through movies. An old Michael Douglass movie “The Game” (watch it) is how you can explain the “OMG” moment to somebody. I will periodically update my movie list (I have quite a few). But, have a look at this:
https://youtu.be/0kqQNBR09Rc
I believe, however, that I have finally reached a stage of acceptance. My life will not be as it might have been, but by lowering my expectations, am learning to be content with less. Perhaps having to work harder and for longer will teach me to appreciate what I do have instead of dwelling on what might have been (some really nice, easy, relaxed lifestyle).
I’m becoming more spiritual too. I am learning to be content even when circumstances aren’t great, and to acknowledge that I could have planned things better, I.e. get an accountant and financial planner earlier so I wouldn’t have created the then huge PFIC mess. But it meant that at least eight if not twelve years of retirement planning was down the drain.
It was a real eye opener too about America’s place in the world; I’d always trusted them to be a good force in the world…now am ambivalent. I am just so very tired….
@George
Thank you very much for acknowledging that quote from the blog. It rings every bit as true today as it did when I first wrote it. Allow me to recommend a book for you called “Liberty’s Exiles” that has a decidedly different (and I suspect more accurate) view of American History:
https://renounceuscitizenship.wordpress.com/2011/12/23/loyalists-in-the-american-revolution/
Happy reading.
@USCA, Yes, it almost seems like an Illuminati conspiracy to keep people under control. Time is a healer though I will never forget…in some ways, it’s all been similar to having undergone a cancer diagnosis, the trauma of learning the odds, choosing the painful treatment, now waiting for full remission (2020, hopefully )…this means this whole process would have from start to finish taken me over 9 years!
It’s now a waiting game till all the statutes of limitations have finally run.
The US is in the midst of a growing US ex-pat tax rebellion. If the IRS tries to collect off its ex-pats, they better expect them to fight tooth and nail. Exchanging information is bad enough (until more legal challenges are launched), but attempted collection will push many people over the edge.
The IRS won’t get really any cooperation out of this group of taxpayers unless they travel back to the US.
@Don
It seems to me that Americans abroad have recognized (among other things) that, there are two groups of Americans abroad who have problems.
Group 1: Those Americans abroad who are NOT U.S. tax compliant.
Groups 2: Those Americans abroad who ARE U.S. tax compliant.
In many cases, being in the system is far worse than NOT being in the system.
@US Citizen Abroad;
Let me correct your observation……
Group 1: Those Americans abroad who are NOT U.S. tax compliant.
Groups 2: Those Americans abroad who THINK they are U.S. tax compliant.
It is IMPOSSIBLE to know with any certainty that you are compliant. Anyone who thinks its easy to be compliant and that they are compliant are likely not compliant. I.E. those that say file with TurboTax.
@Don, “The US is in the midst of a growing US ex-pat tax rebellion. If the IRS tries to collect off its ex-pats, they better expect them to fight tooth and nail. Exchanging information is bad enough (until more legal challenges are launched), but attempted collection will push many people over the edge.”
Boris Johnson was the first salvo…….
But we need for them to try with Mr. and Mrs. Jones in Newcastle.
In a sense I look forward to that day because thats when the beast can be gone after.