“…. and the US government is my best business promoter”
“I’m livin’ high on the hog”, says Blackie the Black marketer in my followup interview. “I’m selling non-US citizenship like hotcakes…..I can’t keep up with demand.
Some of you might remember that I interviewed Blackie years back, when President Obama had hiked the fee to $400 for renouncing U.S. citizenship. Blackie had established a business selling fake Certificates of Loss Of (United States) Nationality (CLN), after the fake-American-passport business had dried up.
Not long after that, demand for non-citizenship was so high that President Obama hiked the fee again to $2350. “The business model I started based on $400 competition skyrocketed when the fee went to $2350” explains Blackie. “Whereas the president was marketing a product at the $2350 level, I undercut it and gave them the same paper at a fraction of that price”
“I’ve been able to make this into a full-blown enterprise, with employees…I even hire marketing consultants to analyze my market segments and give me tips for where to go next” he explains.
“But things have changed—the elected government has flip-flopped”, I lead. Blackie is keen on the edge of his seat and replies enthusiastically “Election? Do you really think that means anything? Which did you vote for? The Evil Party or the Stupid Party? You don’t really think those knuckleheads in the DopeState would allow any idiot idea of any idiot prior administration to die, do you?”
“Well”, I kind of insert, but he moves on: “These idiots in the Dopestate are the best thing I’ve got going. Their lobbyists write laws to punish a bunch of expats for making it out of the razorwire, and those expats then come to me for a solution—do you really think expats ought to go back to their plantation owner for a 2000 buck Certificate of Leaving the Plantation? The Dopestate–heck, for 8 years they had a spigot for their nonsense—you don’t really think that they would let some comb-back spoil their fun, do you?”
Me: “Sounding a little partisan there”
Blackie: “Oh well, so be it. But then, I should say that for 24 years they had a spigot for their Dopestate nonsense—and before that we elected the Dopestate itself to be president for 4 years”
Me: “Ok, ok, —you seem to imply that elections don’t affect your business model. But let’s get on with it–this interview, you know”
Blackie: “Yeah, what about it?”
Me: “You say your business is going great–elaborate”
Blackie: “What is it, like 5000 Americans renounce their citizenship every year? They pay $2350 to the U.S. government to be done with them… divorce them….and then file a bunch of papers saying that the divorce was not because of the financial abuse of the U.S. tax system? If they are too rich, then they have to pay off their wealth to the communist government of the USSA? Why the heck are they talking about the communist government of South Africa when the communist government of USA is making similar confiscations? —- Wait, sorry, can you retract that—I shouldn’t have said that, the U.S. government is the whole reason why I am in business”.
Me: “Sorry, I can’t, journalistic ethics, you know?—but yes, I do know it’s in short supply”
Blackie: “I feel for ya pal, but only so far…Anyways, everything the U.S. government does furthers my business. FATCA is the best thing that ever happened to me—You know, in the old days I was forging passports….laws don’t take too kindly to that—if I’d ever been caught I wouldn’t have gotten out of the slammer without a push-walker. With my new business, the risk is near nil—who is gonna prosecute me for printing fake CLN’s—-fake un-passports—fake non citizenships. There aren’t any laws against it…. It’s great.
ME: “So, tell us all about your market segmentation”
Blackie…”hey….I think you need to have one at a time, and then like a sequel or something”
Me: “Ok, let’s see if I can muster the energy for that—just give me one example for now”
Blackie: “Anyways, you see, there is just one of the many market segments analyzed….there is the scaredy-cat segment. These guys (or gals or zers or whatever your employer requires you to call them) aren’t just afraid of FATCA and in need of my fake CLN’s….they need to also truly get out of U.S. tax obligations….they don’t just need to get away from FATCA be able to have bank accounts where they live and not have all the FATCA problems—they truly also need to get out of filing U.S. tax forms every year—-they wanna live a normal life and be able to have a business without thousands of hours of accountant fees. And it’s really hard to do—to get out of the tax system. It’s not something I can help them with”
Me: “So why do you care, you don’t make any money?”
Blackie: “Yeah, you’re right, mostly, but satisfied customers are, you know… hey. Turns out they need a package, and it’s no skin off my back, albeit no money in my pocket- But then again, it might really affect my volume, I suspect they wouldn’t buy from me if the government couldn’t do it’s part and help them out. Yeah, it does increase my volume now that you make me think about it”
ME: “get to it, will ya’? My audience has a short attention span”
Blackie: “Yeah, yeah, you see. My customers need to find a way to stop filing U.S. taxes. For an American, it’s nearly impossible. Excuse me…it’s impossible. An American living outside of America not receiving any benefits from America cannot find any way to stop filing American taxes….until he’s dead. You got it–til he’s dead. And I can’t help him with that—-so I’m left with this customer—-half satisfied by using my services”
Blackie: “Yeah, well, let’s just be stupid for a minute and repeat that….’my customer cannot be happy—until he is dead’, got it?”
Me: “well, yeah”
Blackie: “Let me explain it. My fake CLN keeps these poor schmucks from being harassed and identified by FATCA. But only the IRS itself can help my customers stop being harassed by the IRS. You see, all they have to do is to be dead…that is, they need to be dead to the IRS. Tell the IRS they’re dead.”
ME: “That can’t be so easy”
Blackie: “Used to be that it wasn’t….but hey, nowadays…. It’s easy, just check the box. It’s on the front of the envelope of your IRS refund—that is, it’s on the front if they’ve repeatedly sent you refund checks for previous years which you may have repeatedly not cashed because—uh, well maybe the postage costs more than the amount on the check.”
Blackie: “ Just check the box on the envelope that the addressee is deceased, and drop it in the mailbox anywhere in the world. If you’re dead, why would the IRS think they could contact you again? How would they ever know who is the executor of your estate?”
Me: “well, you know, they could do some investigations”
Blackie “yeah, right, the incompetent IRS is going to try to confirm that you are dead in a country outside US. If you think that’s right, I have other products to sell you”
Me: “Ok, so let’s look at this packet of solutions: you provide the Certificate of Loss of Nationality, and they by themselves declare themselves dead—for free, just by checking the box on the IRS refund letter and dropping it in the mail”
Blackie: “You are a sharp one. Anybody can buy my product and just check that box—and you’re good as dead. Make me rich and make you happy”
Me: “You’re in a good spot”
Blackie: “I couldn’t do it without the idiots in the Dopestate. They´re the secret to my success. Best thing they could for me is make some more evil and stupid anti-expat laws. That would be, by definition, bipartisanship”
All rights reserved…..
All respect deserved
Good As Dead