I have recently commented that I have this tattoo, given to me on the eighth day after I was born. Here is a picture, though with any naughty bits cropped out:
I am told on good authority that everyone who is born in the United States has one of these rear-end marks. It is sometimes confused with a mole or a birth mark but with correct magnification, it proves to be the tattoo. It is also heredity (don’t ask me how I’m not a geneticist). It will appear on the bums of children born abroad to at least one American, father or mother–but in case your mother is a foreigner and your daddy didn’t marry your mommy, there is a good chance you didn’t get one of these. This is the case of half Korean, Russell David Green, who is fighting deportation from the United States. Apparently, the genes of his GI dad were not enough to pass the butt tattoo on to his son. Of course, poor Russell would become stateless if deported back to Korea.
Apparently, getting a tattoo after the fact from an improper tattoo authority will not work, because the authentic brand requires a special radioactive derriere tattoo ink. Illegal immigrants have tried to fake this, but alas, to no avail.
An American hiney is now also detectable by Swiss and other foreign banks; once the foreign financial institution (FFI) identifies the behind of an American person, using a special American butt tattoo detection device, the FFI will refuse to open a bank account or it will close down the American’s existing accounts, including mortgages. The US government will soon equip border stations and airports with the detectors. The American tattoo also carries a unique identifier making it possible to connect it to your Social Security Number and border guards and banks will soon have access to your tax account with the IRS to see if you have filed your taxes or not.
If you were born abroad before 1943, the year FDR implemented the radioactive rear-end mark as a unique identifier of Americans, you don’t have one of these. You will have to present yourself to a US consulate and plead for butt tattoo forgiveness, and Consulate priest will perform a tattoo ceremony and initiate you belatedly into the kingdom of heaven–but only if you are up to date on your tax filings and FBARs.
During a hiney marking ceremony, the priest will say, admonishing the candidate as follows, “I hereby mark thee thy tush, [name of person], for thou hast been born American. I brand thee thy behind with the sign of thy being the property of the United States. Thou shalt henceforth forever remember thy duties to serve thy god, the President of the United States, and his priests at the Internal Revenue Service, forever and ever, even after thy departure from this world.” The priest will then say to the candidate if the person is of age, “Dost thou swear to pay thy taxes to the United States of America?” The candidate will respond, “I swear”. If the candidate is not of age, the priest shall turn to the parents, who have presented the candidate, “Will you teach [name of the person] in the taxpaying ways of a United States citizen.” The parents shall respond, “We will.” Then, the priest will turn to the congregation and say, “Do you swear to remind [name of person] to pay his/her taxes to the United States.” And the congregation will respond, “We swear”.
As a result of the “last in time rule“, any person found to have this tush tattoo will be considered property of the United States. There is no legal process by which a person may renounce or relinquish the tattoo. Furthermore, it is a federal offense, punishable by $1,000,000 in fines and ten years in prison, to engage a dermatologist to remove the tattoo. The dermatologist and his wife and children to the fourth generation will also face punishments including life imprisonment and multiple FBAR fines.
Apparently the Mormons plan to institute a special temple ceremony whereby they can receive the mark on behalf of their dead relatives who died before the coming of FDR. Presidential nominee-apparent Mitt Romney has already received several dozen of these marks, says a source close to the candidate.