Liberty and justice for all United States persons abroad

The Isaac Brock Society

Posted on by Posted in reductio ad absurdum 21 Comments

I have recently commented that I have this tattoo, given to me on the eighth day after I was born.  Here is a picture, though with any naughty bits cropped out:

I am told on good authority that everyone who is born in the United States has one of these rear-end marks. It is sometimes confused with a mole or a birth mark but with correct magnification, it proves to be the tattoo.  It is also heredity (don’t ask me how I’m not a geneticist).  It will appear on the bums of children born abroad to at least one American, father or mother–but in case your mother is a foreigner and your daddy didn’t marry your mommy, there is a good chance you didn’t get one of these. This is the case of half Korean, Russell David Green, who is fighting deportation from the United States.  Apparently, the genes of his GI dad were not enough to pass the butt tattoo on to his son.  Of course, poor Russell would become stateless if deported back to Korea.

Apparently, getting a tattoo after the fact from an improper tattoo authority will not work, because the authentic brand requires a special radioactive derriere tattoo ink.  Illegal immigrants have tried to fake this, but alas, to no avail.

An American hiney is now also detectable by Swiss and other foreign banks; once the foreign financial institution (FFI) identifies the behind of an American person, using a special American butt tattoo detection device, the FFI will refuse to open a bank account or it will close down the American’s existing accounts, including mortgages.  The US government will soon equip border stations and airports with the detectors.  The American tattoo also carries a unique identifier making it possible to connect it to your Social Security Number and border guards and banks will soon have access to your tax account with the IRS to see if you have filed your taxes or not.

If you were born abroad before 1943, the year FDR implemented the radioactive rear-end mark as a unique identifier of Americans, you don’t have one of these.  You will have to present yourself to a US consulate and plead for butt tattoo forgiveness, and Consulate priest will perform a tattoo ceremony and initiate you belatedly into the kingdom of heaven–but only if you are up to date on your tax filings and FBARs.

During a hiney marking ceremony, the priest will say, admonishing the candidate as follows, “I hereby mark thee thy tush, [name of person], for thou hast been born American.  I brand thee thy behind with the sign of thy being the property of the United States.  Thou shalt henceforth forever remember thy duties to serve thy god, the President of the United States, and his priests at the Internal Revenue Service, forever and ever, even after thy departure from this world.”  The priest will then say to the candidate if the person is of age, “Dost thou swear to pay thy taxes to the United States of America?” The candidate will respond, “I swear”.  If the candidate is not of age, the priest shall turn to the parents, who have presented the candidate, “Will you teach [name of the person] in the taxpaying ways of a United States citizen.”  The parents shall respond, “We will.”   Then, the priest will turn to the congregation and say, “Do you swear to remind [name of person] to pay his/her taxes to the United States.”  And the congregation will respond, “We swear”.

As a result of the “last in time rule“, any person found to have this tush tattoo will be considered property of the United States.  There is no legal process by which a person may renounce or relinquish the tattoo.  Furthermore, it is a federal offense, punishable by $1,000,000 in fines and ten years in prison, to engage a dermatologist to remove the tattoo.  The dermatologist and his wife and children to the fourth generation will also face punishments including life imprisonment and multiple FBAR fines.

Apparently the Mormons plan to institute a special temple ceremony whereby they can receive the mark on behalf of their dead relatives who died before the coming of FDR.  Presidential nominee-apparent Mitt Romney has already received several dozen of these marks, says a source close to the candidate.

21 thoughts on “The “Property of the USA” tattoo”

  1. In the past I’ve been quite involved in the international adoption community (having done one) and you would be shocked to know how often Mr. Green’s situation happens – the U.S. government threatens to deport an adopted adult because some immigration law was overlooked or unknown by the adoptive parent. Most of these adopted adults have had some trouble with the law that has flagged up their immigration status. Most of them, like Mr. Green have no citizenship in their ‘home’ country. If anyone is interested, there is a long list of these cases at http://poundpuplegacy.org/deportation_cases

  3. What is to stop governments from routinely microchipping citizens in the future?  Or maybe they will start scanning your eyes like in the film Minority Report.  It will probably be billed as some sort convenience feature – think credit card, passport, etc all on you at all times, but the fact of the matter would be that there would be nowhere to hide and that your details will be exposed for all to see. This would seem to be the natural evolution of ever increasingly penetrative social networking and a loss of civil liberties wrapped into one. Either way, I think that in the future we will all be walking billboards, either biologically or electronically, flashing all of our personal details, financial assets, citizenship and so on to whomever it concerns.  

  4. Petros, that was fanny funny … butt but quite tushy truthy too. And you have now declared opun open season on tattoos and derrieres.  🙂

  6. @Petros,

    I swear I cannot find, under magnification, a tatoo of this sort on my son’s butt (and he really objected to me invading his privacy).

    After renounce’s latest comment, conjuring up in my mind how this could be so, I wrote the following to my lawyer:

    Good afternoon.

    The link below was on Isaac Brock today and I’d like your views on the US immigration law. It makes sense to me that perhaps, perhaps he would not be a US citizen. If he cannot renounce because of a developmental disability, if I cannot renounce on his behalf, then wouldn’t the reverse be applicable? He cannot carry out by himself the steps necessary to formalize US citizenship (and I will not because it makes no sense for him to be anything but the Canadian he was born and has lived his whole life as).

    My son, having the intellectual handicap of a developmental delay, would not be able to carry out the steps below for the US to grant him his “supposed” US citizenship. Must I, his mother and his trustee, do this for him under duress (I visualize a gun put to my head) or is my son therefore not a US citizen because he cannot himself carry out the steps below (not that he could or should or would as it would be an illogical move). I have also been advised by the US Consulate that I do not have the right to renounce on his behalf my son’s US citizenship (which he does not formally have per the steps below). If he had somehow managed to carry out the steps below, he could not renounce that US citizenship because of his intellectual handicap of a developmental delay, not being able to understand the concept of citizenship of any country, its rights and responsibilities, and cannot be influenced by anyone in such a decision. I am the person who would have to “teach” him all this and I am a biased person and would therefore be influencing him because it is my belief that he would have NO better benefit in being a dual US-Canadian citizen, rather than just the Canadian he was born as in Calgary, Alberta, Canada. In fact, formalizing his US citizenship would make my son a Canadian citizen who cannot access the benefits of any other Canadians with a disability.

    I just don’t understand. On this Canada Day weekend, I am trying to formalize in my mind a follow-up to send to the Canadian Civil Liberties Association to a query I previously made to them on this subject (likely the wrong people to look at this?).

    To you and yours – Happy Canada Day / Happy Fourth of July.

  10. @Deckard,

    I take it back. My apologies. I, of course, have no idea of such details.

    What a good post, Petros. Thanks for the relief with your too-real humour!

  12. Cool. Does the tattoo have to be located on the posterior though? We can also bring this to tasteful heights. I can already see myself landing a government contract for doing propaganda posters. In the spirit of Japan promoting purchase of its treasury bonds featuring beautiful women, imagine a line of bronzed beauties in skimpy Brazilian beachware under an azure sky, each proudly showing off their Property of US Government tattooes in the most tasteful places…. I think there’s money in this.

  13. Joe, Are you my twin brother!!? 

    I played that exact same Down by the Henry Moore video when I got home after filing my relinquishment papers at the consulate!  Great song, so Toronto, so upbeat (just like I felt), and the pictures in the video are like a scrapbook of my life!

    Not to mention Gord’s Canadian Railroad Trilogy is an icon … as is Gord.  And  those other videos and musicians are particular faves of mine as well.

    Thanks, Joe.  Happy Canada Day, everyone!

    ___________
    “but heading North across that line is the only time I’m flying”
    — Gordon Lightfoot

  16. @Cornwalliscal, Dunno, but I see the Turbo Train (going back to Toronto J)at 0.52 secs.  Seriously, that guy with the cigarette at 0.48 looks rather like Montréal’s Leonard Cohen way back when. 

    Note to all.  The exuberant man at 2.52 is the late Ed Mirvisch, basically “Mr. Toronto.”  A successful merchant, philanthropist, and mega-booster of Toronto.  He was born in the US.

  17. Thanks for the songs Joe. I’d never heard “Barrett’s Privateers” before and now I know where “Broken Man on a Halifax Pier” comes from. HAPPY CANADA DAY, EVERYONE (in Canada) — particularly those with CLNs in hand!!! 🙂

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  20. Pingback: The Isaac Brock Society - Not a US person? Prove it

  21. Pingback: The Isaac Brock Society | Thanks to my renunciation, I will soon be down to only 150% potential FBAR fines and I am elated

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