Psychologists describe 5 stages of grief based on the Kubler-Ross model introduced by Swiss psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book, ‘On Death and Dying’. Although originally ascribed to the emotional stages experienced due to death of a loved one, the model can also be useful to understand the responses to any subjective trauma that a person may go through, for example a relationship breakup, a job loss, or a ‘OMG! I am a US taxpayer’ moment.
The key here is ‘subjective trauma’. Many ‘US persons’ know what it is like to have people roll their eyes, yawn, or wonder why we are so worked up, just because we discover we are subject to FATCA (what’s the big deal? You ARE an American!), or because we discover we are US taxpayers (if you don’t like it why don’t you renounce?). Typically, we do not get the sympathy one would get if we had a serious illness, or lost our job, or divorced our spouse.
Non-US persons for the most part, just do not ‘get’ the ‘US person’ curse, because to be FATCA’d and CBT’d is not within the realm of normal human experiences. We are unique and special in the world that way – thanks to USA’s exceptional treatment of those it deems ‘US persons’. Nevertheless it IS traumatic for those of us who have lived most or all our lives in countries other than the USA, and who have never had a clue we were US taxpayers on our non-US income, to be FATCA’d and CBT’d.
The following are the 5 stages of grief as outlined in the Kubler-Ross model. Keep in mind that these stages are not necessarily linear. One day you may feel like you are angry beyond belief, and the next day you may feel that it just is what it is. Hopefully, at some point, most of your days will fall into the latter category.
Denial.
The first reaction to hearing one has a terminal illness, or their house burned down, or they are subject to the tax laws of a foreign country, is denial. This just CANNOT be for real. It makes no sense. This has got to be wrong. How could I have lived all these years and NOT known I was a US taxpayer? There must be exceptions for people like me who don’t live in the USA. They surely cannot be referring to ME.
Anger.
Once the initial shock wears off, anger follows. We want to blame someone or something. We may be angry at the doctor who gives us a bad diagnosis, at the driver who caused the accident, or at ourselves for not doing something to prevent whatever bad thing happened. We are angry at the Canadian government for not standing up for us, at our spouse who thinks we are over reacting, at our neighbour who doesn’t want to listen to our rants, at ourselves for not figuring out years ago that we were US taxpayers, or at the American government for acting like it owns us.
Bargaining.
This is the stage where we play games with ourselves, and with others, desperately trying to ‘work it out’ or ‘fix things’, so that we can go back to the way things were before. The person whose romantic relationship is at an end may promise to change their behaviour – anything to not have the relationship end. The dying patient may promise God he/she will be a better person or take better care of himself/herself – anything to not have to die. The newly aware US taxpayer searches for a way to work out their non-compliance: streamlined program? 5 years tax compliance catch-up? – just please don’t penalize me for my ignorance.
Depression.
Reality is setting in now. There is no easy way out. We are not going to bring our loved one back. Our job is gone forever. The relationship is definitely over. No matter which route we take to solving our ‘US taxpayer status’ we are going to pay – whether that be in taxes, compliance fees, penalties, loss of privacy, loss of US citizenship, or by being forced into hiding. It sucks no matter how you look at it, and this just makes us sad. 🙁
Acceptance.
Psychologists and grief counsellors say you are lucky if you get to this point. Many people get stuck in anger or depression for years or even a lifetime – the widower who becomes a recluse when his wife passes away, the mother who mourns a lifetime for the child she lost, the aspiring athlete who never made it to the big leagues and seems forever lost in his former glory years, the ‘hidden’ US person who cannot shake the mental chains of his unwanted ‘US taxpayer status’ even if he has logistically found a way to deal with it. The luckier people at some point accept the reality of what has happened and find a place to put it so that it does not interfere in their daily lives anymore. The widower finds peacefulness alone, or maybe finds new love. The mom, whose child is gone, remembers the happy times she spent with him/her and stops dwelling on what was lost. The US person, finds a way to deal with his/her own particular situation – stays hidden, or becomes tax compliant, or renounces – and moves on with his/her life.
I’ll stop being angry come Election Day when the Conservatives are put out of office for betraying Canadians and destroying the Charter of Rights and Freedoms; when Obama steps out of the Oval Office for the final time in 2016.
But I will not stop being angry at American homelanders who agreed to put this incompetent schmuck into office and covet Canadian incomes. American homelanders can GO TO HELL.
@Animal The only problem is that when the Cons are booted out, how will the next government handle this? I don’t see any public stand being taken by politicians on this. I want someone to PAY for betraying ME as a Canadian if Harper doesn’t consider my WIFE a Canadian. I’ll say it again, these leaders clearly committed TREASON, which was punishable by execution. Our political system has slowly built a protection wall around corrupt politicians and the public has NO way to get at them. MY country has fallen to pure dictatorship, liar and deceitful leaders and we sit here and do nothing. Canada has fallen to pieces and OUR political system is stacked against us in a way that we must shut up and take it!
” I want someone to PAY for betraying ME as a Canadian if Harper doesn’t consider my WIFE a Canadian.”
EXACTLY! NativeCanadian. The people who are screaming for justice and honour are being silenced by this corrupt government and there are no promises that whoever gets in will be any better.
It seems like a lot of us are stuck in the anger stage. And for those of us who identify as Canadian rather than American, our wrath is directed straight at our Canadian government representatives. They are the ones who were supposed to have our backs. They can pass the buck for their inability to do their job of protecting Canadians onto the American government all they want, but truth is: we live in Canada, we are Canadian, our dominant nationality is Canadian. Screw the Americans and their stupid laws; they (should) have no jurisdiction on Canadian soil.
To be honest, I cannot see why ANY Canadian, living in Canada who identifies in any way as American, would want to continue to be one. It is like being married to an abuser. Unless there is some REALLY good reason to stay in the marriage, why maintain loyalty to someone who treats you like crap? If you have to take them to court to force them to be fair with you, it is time for a divorce.
The ONLY reason I stay in the marriage, is that financially I cannot afford to leave, because it is not free to leave. That is the power that USA holds over me, and many other Canadians, and many other people who live in countries other than the USA.
@NativeCanadian re: ” @Animal The only problem is that when the Cons are booted out, how will the next government handle this? I don’t see any public stand being taken by politicians on this. ”
And that is what ALL Canadians living in Canada (not just the ones with US taint) should be REALLY afraid of. USA’s CBT is not the monster under the bed that should keep us awake at night – our own government is.
@Whitekat
Even if an American residing abroad has reasons to stay American, it is high time to draw up a viable exit strategy just in case.
USCAbroad: Thank you so much for your profound comment. I certainly accept your definition of acceptance!
I accept that my life has been made something totally new over the course of the past four years. My former missions in life were pleasant, but insignificant. My mission is now to work toward nothing less than the demise of CBT whether or not this is seen in my lifetime. This is change that *must* happen; it is change *I* can believe in!
@WhiteKat
Try putting yourself in the shoes of others who still value US citizenship. If you moved away from Canada and the Canadian government went on a campaign of persecution against Canadian expats, what would you do?
That said, I know I’m to the point that if US lawmakers aren’t receptive to making changes as a result of the overwhelming and disproportionate number of people making heartfelt pleas for change then yes, they don’t deserve me as their citizen anymore.
BB, I have tried to imagine what it would be like if the Canadian government was doing to Canadians living outside Canada, what the US government is doing to Americans living outside USA. If I was one of those Canadians no longer calling Canada home, I am pretty sure that at that point I would make the decision to commit fully to my new country by formally divorcing Canada via renunciation. I would still value the people and the culture of the country I left behind, but would call it quits on any loyalty to the country itself. It would just be a stance I would have to take on principle as I feel that such an attack is totally immoral and Canada would no longer deserve my loyalty as a citizen.
That is just my take though. Everyone is different. Some people can put up with more abuse than others I guess. Having said that, the Canadian government is behaving badly as well by allowing us to be victimized by the USA, so maybe I should renounce Canadian citizenship and just become stateless…lol.
@WhiteKat
Fair enough. Not everyone supports dual-citizenship or what they perceive as divided loyalties. When asked by an interviewer which citizenship I liked better, I had to say that it felt like he was like asking me which of my children I love more.
You and I are both US and Canadian citizens at birth. We might ask why Canada allows dual nationality if not for the reason it’s difficult to ask people to make the choice.
That’s “you and I are…”
I don’t have a problem with the concept of dual citizenship – though I consider myself Canadian only despite the technicality of being a US citizen – but when one of the two countries with whom one holds citizenship is behaving in an abusive manner, then I think one really needs to question one’s loyalties. That would be a catalyst for me, as it has been for many.
BB, I hope you don’t mind my asking this question. I left USA as a baby, so have no memories of USA, plus my parents, grandparents, etc are all Canadian born, so I have zero identity as an American. My understanding is that you left USA as a young child – is that correct? If so, how is it that you feel American and want to hold onto being one? Is it because you have American family and still have family ties there? Or do you value US citizenship more for what it might be able to give to you – for example the right to move to the USA anytime and work there – rather than because you identify as American?
Because, WhiteKat, very few of us would be having problems with being US if it were not for FATCA and CBT – both bad laws that NEED to be changed in order for me to remain a US citizen.
You identified enough to apply for a US passport, didn’t you? Hope you don’t mind me asking, but why don’t you go to the US consulate again and renounce?
@Polly
My comment re “character building” go hand in hand with “what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger”.
Sorry Bubblebustin, I was not trying to anger you. I was just trying to understand why you value US citizenship as much as you do.
Regarding your questions for me which I thought I had explained fully to you in the past, apparently I did not, so I will try again. When I was in my early twenties, newly graduated from university and working as a computer systems analyst in Toronto, many of my co-workers were actively pursing employment in the USA because the pay was a lot better. Although I had no plans to move to the USA, and never did make any attempts to job search there, I thought it would be wise for me to look into my US status just in case.
There was no internet back then to inquire about these things, so I went to the US consulate in Toronto and told them I wanted to find out if I was considered an American citizen or not. They responded by giving me a bunch of paperwork to fill out. I sent in the paperwork, expecting to get back either ‘no you are not a US citizen’, or ‘yes you are a US citizen and here is your citizenship card’. I had a Canadian citizenship card, so I assumed that to receive an American citizenship card would mean that I was an American.
I seem to recall there were two checkboxes on the forms, one for applying for a citizenship card and one for a passport. I thought I selected the one for the citizenship card as this was what I thought would give me the answer to my question. Whether I screwed up or the people processing my paperwork screwed up I have no clue, but to my surprise and confusion I received a US passport. This left me with the same question I started out with: was I an American or not? Did the fact that they sent me a US passport (with an expiry date) mean I was an American? At 23 years of age, with no internet, I really did not know whether that US passport meant I was an American or not, but decided just to put the case to rest, and revisit in future if indeed I had a desire to move to the USA – which never happened. I had no need for a US passport, as I already had a Canadian passport and to me a passport was just a travel document, so I never signed it, and obviously then never traveled on it. I still have that one and only unsigned, unused passport in my safety deposit box. It was, I suspect, the thing that saved me from being a plaintiff in this Canadian FATCA IGA lawsuit despite having volunteered to be one and having been interviewed by one of the lawyers involved in the case.
So, my reasons for questioning my US status, and trying to obtain proof one way or the other were selfish I guess, and not because I ‘identified’ as American. I just wanted the benefits that came along with the citizenship – i.e. the right to move to the USA and work there. Three years ago, when I became aware of FATCA, the significance of that one and only one US passport I had received almost 30 years ago, finally became clear to me – i.e. I had been an American all along – passport or no passport.
As for renouncing, I would love to renounce, but I cannot afford the compliance costs and renunciation fees.
That might possibly be a convincing story if ever have to make a case for being an “accidental”, WhiteKat. I hope it works.
That was mean Bubblebustin. I thought you said you had become more compassionate since all this FATCA BS.
BTW, what exactly is an ‘accidental’? Do we have a dictionary definition for it?
Look, it’s not a sin to be American, or to want to remain one – just the US government makes it so. I don’t remain a US citizen out of any lack of loyalty for Canada and am no less loyal to Canada than I would be if I renounced US citizenship. I’m the same as any emigrant from any other country is, with probably the same degree of attachment to their homeland, but subjected to laws that no other countryman from any other country is subjected to (save Eritrea).
@Bubblebustin
Well- it is killing me- I can tell ya!
@Whitekat
The minute they sent you the US passport, they were saying that you are American. Why is that so hard to understand? It`s like you are making a very convoluted story out of something very straightforward.I dont know what you were thinking at 23 ( I was pretty confused for far longer than that), but I`m guessing that some part of you liked that US passport at the time, and you were keeping it (signed, unsigned) for future reference should the need arise.
@Polly
Sorry about the stomach acid problems. I used to have it pretty bad too.
It wasn’t a sin to be an American in those days that WhiteKat got her passport.
@WhiteKat
I didn’t say I would increase my tolerance of other things (which I won’t name, as it WOULD be mean).
@Polly,
re: ” The minute they sent you the US passport, they were saying that you are American. Why is that so hard to understand? ”
I know now what the passport meant. I did not know then. In retrospect I guess I was pretty stupid.
re: “It`s like you are making a very convoluted story out of something very straightforward ”
I’m sorry if my description of my scenario sounded convoluted. I was just trying to be honest and explain my situation as I understood it. I regret sharing that with you all now. Yes, I am stupid.
re: ” I`m guessing that some part of you liked that US passport at the time, and you were keeping it (signed, unsigned) for future reference should the need arise.”
I admitted already that my motives for ascertaining my US citizenship were selfish. What more can I say? I am both stupid and selfish.
@ BB re: “@WhiteKat
I didn’t say I would increase my tolerance of other things (which I won’t name, as it WOULD be mean). ”
That was also mean, even though I have no idea what it meant.
@BB, Oh I get it now. It took a few minutes. Yup, that was definitely mean.