Psychologists describe 5 stages of grief based on the Kubler-Ross model introduced by Swiss psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book, ‘On Death and Dying’. Although originally ascribed to the emotional stages experienced due to death of a loved one, the model can also be useful to understand the responses to any subjective trauma that a person may go through, for example a relationship breakup, a job loss, or a ‘OMG! I am a US taxpayer’ moment.
The key here is ‘subjective trauma’. Many ‘US persons’ know what it is like to have people roll their eyes, yawn, or wonder why we are so worked up, just because we discover we are subject to FATCA (what’s the big deal? You ARE an American!), or because we discover we are US taxpayers (if you don’t like it why don’t you renounce?). Typically, we do not get the sympathy one would get if we had a serious illness, or lost our job, or divorced our spouse.
Non-US persons for the most part, just do not ‘get’ the ‘US person’ curse, because to be FATCA’d and CBT’d is not within the realm of normal human experiences. We are unique and special in the world that way – thanks to USA’s exceptional treatment of those it deems ‘US persons’. Nevertheless it IS traumatic for those of us who have lived most or all our lives in countries other than the USA, and who have never had a clue we were US taxpayers on our non-US income, to be FATCA’d and CBT’d.
The following are the 5 stages of grief as outlined in the Kubler-Ross model. Keep in mind that these stages are not necessarily linear. One day you may feel like you are angry beyond belief, and the next day you may feel that it just is what it is. Hopefully, at some point, most of your days will fall into the latter category.
Denial.
The first reaction to hearing one has a terminal illness, or their house burned down, or they are subject to the tax laws of a foreign country, is denial. This just CANNOT be for real. It makes no sense. This has got to be wrong. How could I have lived all these years and NOT known I was a US taxpayer? There must be exceptions for people like me who don’t live in the USA. They surely cannot be referring to ME.
Anger.
Once the initial shock wears off, anger follows. We want to blame someone or something. We may be angry at the doctor who gives us a bad diagnosis, at the driver who caused the accident, or at ourselves for not doing something to prevent whatever bad thing happened. We are angry at the Canadian government for not standing up for us, at our spouse who thinks we are over reacting, at our neighbour who doesn’t want to listen to our rants, at ourselves for not figuring out years ago that we were US taxpayers, or at the American government for acting like it owns us.
Bargaining.
This is the stage where we play games with ourselves, and with others, desperately trying to ‘work it out’ or ‘fix things’, so that we can go back to the way things were before. The person whose romantic relationship is at an end may promise to change their behaviour – anything to not have the relationship end. The dying patient may promise God he/she will be a better person or take better care of himself/herself – anything to not have to die. The newly aware US taxpayer searches for a way to work out their non-compliance: streamlined program? 5 years tax compliance catch-up? – just please don’t penalize me for my ignorance.
Depression.
Reality is setting in now. There is no easy way out. We are not going to bring our loved one back. Our job is gone forever. The relationship is definitely over. No matter which route we take to solving our ‘US taxpayer status’ we are going to pay – whether that be in taxes, compliance fees, penalties, loss of privacy, loss of US citizenship, or by being forced into hiding. It sucks no matter how you look at it, and this just makes us sad. 🙁
Acceptance.
Psychologists and grief counsellors say you are lucky if you get to this point. Many people get stuck in anger or depression for years or even a lifetime – the widower who becomes a recluse when his wife passes away, the mother who mourns a lifetime for the child she lost, the aspiring athlete who never made it to the big leagues and seems forever lost in his former glory years, the ‘hidden’ US person who cannot shake the mental chains of his unwanted ‘US taxpayer status’ even if he has logistically found a way to deal with it. The luckier people at some point accept the reality of what has happened and find a place to put it so that it does not interfere in their daily lives anymore. The widower finds peacefulness alone, or maybe finds new love. The mom, whose child is gone, remembers the happy times she spent with him/her and stops dwelling on what was lost. The US person, finds a way to deal with his/her own particular situation – stays hidden, or becomes tax compliant, or renounces – and moves on with his/her life.
I’d even like to think that one day, the US will invite its renunciants to restore their citizenship if things are truly reformed .
I still love my husband too in spite of the past hurts.
Sounds like Stockholm syndrome. Mona I sympathize, but understand your husbands position. He’s probably pissed that you unnecessarily threw away a lot of the readies.
I am having a hard time with this thread- mainly because it seems to me the concept of “acceptance” is widely drawn here. I also think we have various situations which differ from one another. Anybody who has paid “their dues” and are finished with their process can be angry with the robbery and unjustice committed but then let it go. If however they are still involved in the process and unsure of the outcome- unsure of the outcome all in all – I don`t think one can even speak of “acceptance” in the way it is defined. I looked up acceptance in Webster`s and it said the process of accepting so I had to look up accept- and there is says: ” to give admittance or approval, to endure without protest or reaction, to regard as proper, normal or inevitable, to recognise as true etc etc.
I agree that the worries can eat up one`s life and make it tormented, but I just don`t think that the torment is over for so many, the future is too unsure, and anybody who hangs around here reading and involved, who donates money, who joins the fight against FATCA and CBT – is not accepting.
So I just dont think that the term applies itself well here. One can try to push the panic aside and get on with one`s life, but that isn’t the same as acceptance somehow.
@ Polly
I’ve been thinking about this thread all day. I’ve been rummaging around in my emotions box to try to figure out where they all stand right now. I don’t know for certain but I think you came pretty close to pinning them down for me. It’s the uncertainty of my future that has me nowhere near the dictionary definition of acceptance. I feel like since my OMG moment 3 years ago I’ve been living in a tight-fisted holding pattern. I will keep doing whatever I can to fight the injustice but I will also try very hard to gradually bring some normal or something close to normal back into my life.
@Duke of Devon, I’m sure he was pissed. He thought I panicked too soon. But I still think he was mean to not offer to return my money after I’d renounced or even to at least use some of the transferred money to help me towards my painful accounting bills.
He used to have a generous, sympathetic attitude but has in recent years taken as a given that I will continue to work hard even though he is secure enough for me to ease off.
All I can think is that he now feels that what’s his is HIS and that I should be willing to continue working hard as I’m younger.
He may also feel like punishing me for what seemed to him a stupid decision and/or past negligence. I’m learning that ultimately, I’ve got to stand on my own feet. This has caused me much resentment because he used to be so nice but I suppose the honeymoon period has been over for many years too so he will be more matter-of-fact.
Life is not always black and white in marriage; sometimes we have to use our head as well as our heart. I don’t even know if I still love him but I would face hardship if I left and he’s the Devil I Know. We bumble along OK.
@Whitecat, you’re also right that I probably suffer a degree of Stockholm Syndrome.
@Monalisa
He is probably being practical in deciding that the money is safer with him until the statue of limitations has run out. We all have to protect ourselves any way we can in this stressful situation. Don’t dwell on it and let it influence the rest of your life.
My spouse and I received all our education and medical training in Europe , we gave the US the benefit of that and when it was time to retire we decided to come ‘home’. The US gov made it impossible to lead a normal life, our bank accounts were closed, even though we showed them we were fully compliant, the forex company which changed our money threw us out. We had to get my brother in law to pay our utility bills. It was especially stressful on our marriage and our health.
I will never forgive them, I never want their citizenship back but I have to move on.
Four Kinds of Acceptance
As Polly implies “acceptance” is a very contextual and subjective state of affairs.
So, what does “acceptance” mean? I think that there are at least four kinds of acceptance:
1. Acceptance of the state of affairs that has been unjustly inflicted on YOU.
This includes the recognition that you have really been subjected to an unprecedented, unprincipled, unprovoked and unjustified assault on your finances and on your basic identity.
Understand that:
– there really is “citizenship based” taxation
– that those with a “U.S. place of birth” are being hunted the world over
– that a clear majority of the “advisers” (lawyers/accountants) cannot be trusted to advise you in YOUR interests
– that your “non U.S. friends and family” have NO hope of ever understanding this and therefore will be of limited help to you
– that you are making the objective compliance decisions that make sense for you
– that this is the world that you live on. You lost the “birth lottery”
– that the United States is attempting to claim as it’s citizens those who do NOT believe they are U.S. citizens (why not, U.S. citizenship is about taxation).
Think of it, the U.S. says:
2. Acceptance about of the truth about the United States of America
I actually think that this is harder for people to accept. In my view the “denial stage” is actually a “denial” that: “The United States of America – That Great Citadel of Freedom of Justice” is as cruel and corrupt as it really is. The initial denial is NOT “there’s such a thing as FATCA and citizenship taxation”.
You are clearly in denial of you think:
– this level of cruelty and injustice could NOT be consciously and deliberately applied by the United States of America. Well, it is.
– the United States of America could NOT equate it’s loyal citizens abroad with criminal tax evaders. Well, it does.
– the United States of America, could NOT betray YOU, its most loyal and patriotic supporter. Well, it has.
– the United States of America, could NOT possibly confiscate your assets in the OVDP program. Well, it will and it has.
– the United States of America, could NOT punish you for attempting to plan for retirement by having a non-U.S. pension plan or by buying non-U.S. mutual funds. Well, it has and with pleasure.
– the United States of America could NOT possibly subject U.S. citizens abroad to an “Exit Tax” based on assets that have no connection to the U.S. and were acquired after having left the United States. Well it does. (In fact the primary effect of the “Exit Tax” is to confiscate assets in other countries.)
– the United States of America could NOT possibly be doing the above deliberately. Wrong. They are doing this deliberately and it is willful.
Those of you who do not accept the above are in a state of denial.
Acceptance includes end of this stage of denial. In other words, you clearly accept the above to be true.
3. Acceptance of your worthlessness to your adopted country
Again, this is very difficult. Speaking for the moment in the Canadian context. Whereas, citizenship acquired at birth is conferred, citizenship by naturalization is a conscious choice. Those who were born in the U.S. who moved to Canada and became Canadian citizens did so by choice! I suspect, therefore, that (in many cases) they feel much more “Canadian” than people who were born in Canada. In other words, they chose Canada. But, on February 5, 2014 Canada absolutely rejected them. In fact, Canada accepted the United States was free to designate ANY Canadian resident as a U.S. person for taxation. Think of it. Canada has allowed the U.S. to come into Canada and claim those who it wants to be U.S. taxpayers. (I have images of the slave trade running through my mind.) This is betrayal in the extreme. I repeat, it’s betrayal in the extreme.
What is required to “accept this absolute betrayal? Oddly enough, I recognize this as a betrayal. But, I also accept that the Harper Government is a weak Government that lacks vision. They are NOT leaders. They are at best managers. But, they are NOT malicious. Too bad, so sad.
4. Acceptance in the sense of “coming to terms with” and what “coming to terms” with means for you
In the most basic sense, this means moving forward in life. It is clear that from this thread and other blogs around the world, that the pain, the terror, the sense of betrayal (including from your home country) has been so extreme, that life will NEVER go back to exactly what it was. This doesn’t mean that your life will never be as good as it was before. It just will never be the same. For some this experience may be a portal to a more “whole” life. Speaking for myself, I better understand what it means to be an oppressed minority in a way that I never could have before. I may in some ways be a “better person” because of it.
It’s interesting that some people, once their immediate problem is solved, vanish (never to be heard from again). Others have remained: offering assistance, time and concern for those who are going through their most difficult moments. I suppose, that people do what best helps them live a life with meaning. It’s interesting that some of the people who have done the most to help others are either U.S. tax compliant and/or have renounced U.S. citizenship. Those who do the least are often the ones who have the most to lose. Go figure.
A final thought(s) …
As bad as things are for those born in the United States, but who live outside the United States, they are some things to keep in mind.
They include:
1. You are receiving an “early message” of what the U.S. is clearly going to do to the people living in the United States. Now, that means different things for different people. But, at a minimum, there is a Berlin Wall closing around the country. The United States has come full circle. The United States (on a basic level) was founded on the principle that:
Now, the United States runs on the principle that:
2. It’s obvious that there are many many people in the world who are “worse off” than you are. They live in worse conditions. There are parts of the world where it’s hard to find clean water. You do NOT have that problem. The difference is that they are not suffering under any delusions about what their country is.
3. This state of affairs is NOT going to continue forever. It may be too late to save YOU, but it is NOT too late to save your children or the next generation.
So, stay focused. Stay together. Be generous with your time and understanding. And above all else remember that through your experiences, you can make a difference. People always overestimate what they can do in one year and underestimate what they can do in ten years. The next ten years will go by either way. You have nothing to lose by providing support for the tens of thousands (if not millions) of others who will face the problem of a “U.S. place of birth”.
You might as well be there for them. Somebody has to.
Well stated USCitizenAbroad. These sorts of experiences can be character-building if you let them be. Steel doesn’t become tempered unless exposed to adverse conditions. I too have learned for the first time in my life what it means to be truly persecuted, but will not allow myself to fall victim to the siren song of the “victim” – I’ve known too many victims who’ve have allowed vindictiveness to blind them to the point where they themselves become the perpetrator.
This experience has help define me, but it won’t rule me. I recognize and am more sensitive to the persecution of others. It’s brought out the activist in me like nothing ever has. I’ve developed the ability to think more critically about the world around me when I realized that I hadn’t seen the clear and present danger I’d been in for decades. It’s helped define my perception of what’s right and wrong, and how vulnerable I’d been to other’s opinions of what they are. This experience has caused paradigm shift in the way I view the world. I can grow from it or I can allow it to destroy me and the relationships I have with self-destructive, hurtful behaviour. I can learn grace.
“O God, give us the serenity to accept what cannot be changed,
The courage to change what can be changed,
and the wisdom to know the one from the other”
– Reinhold Niebuh
“But, I also accept that the Harper Government is a weak Government that lacks vision. They are NOT leaders. They are at best managers. But, they are NOT malicious. Too bad, so sad.”
BULLSHIT. They knew exactly what they were going into when they put C-31 into vote, they also knew exactly what C-51. If you think that they are NOT malicious, then YOU are in DENIAL.
As always, USCtizenAbroad, you’ve expressed all so very clearly about *acceptance* as it relates to many of us here. I know it does to me. I’ve clearly worked through the first three. How hard it was to accept betrayal, but that is what it was for me from both the country I left and the country I chose to live in, work in, raise my family in — at least for the present government of this country. I whole-heartedly agree with you that the Conservatives have just not been and continue to reveal that they are just NOT leaders. How both countries have changed.
I agree that we need to continue the work for a better future for our children / the next generation, hoping that they will see US tax law or, best, a change to RBT that will free them from what we see happening.
bubblebustin,
I have learned so much about not taking my life for granted, view the purpose of my life differently than I could have ever imagined and will continue in my struggle to help effect change. I’ve always believed in advocacy, but never to this extent. I have a long way to go to get to grace, but I do know that should be one of my goals going forward.
I’ve said many times, and realize it each day — I am so grateful for being able to communicate, in this internet age, with others who stand up for rights for themselves, their children and others whose lives outside the USA are so affected by US birth or US birth of their parents / grandparents with extra-territorial citizenship-based taxation.
So, thanks, USC — and bubblebustin and all the others here at Brock and Sandbox.
I will be eternally grateful for the help and guidance from the caring smart articulate people I have met here. We are a disparate group yet we listen to , help and respect each other.
Thank you Petros et al for your determination and tenacity. You have renewed my faith in the human race.
Group hug, Group hug! {{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}
@TheAnimal, I think I am inclined to agree with you regarding your assessment of the Conservative government. Throwing one million Canadians and their families to the US wolves, is more than just suffering from a ‘lack of vision’.
USC re: “It’s interesting that some people, once their immediate problem is solved, vanish (never to be heard from again). Others have remained: offering assistance, time and concern for those who are going through their most difficult moments. I suppose, that people do what best helps them live a life with meaning. It’s interesting that some of the people who have done the most to help others are either U.S. tax compliant and/or have renounced U.S. citizenship. Those who do the least are often the ones who have the most to lose. Go figure.”
I think that people react to and deal with trauma differently for very valid personal reasons, and we should be careful not to judge. Accepting the reality of ‘US personhood’ is akin to a grieving process as we have been discussing here, and as such, people will by necessity find their own unique ways to get to that point, so that they can get through a day without thinking about FATCA.
For many, the only way to truly move on emotionally, once their particular logistical nightmare has been resolved(for example by renunciation) or put into a holding place (for example a decision to stay hidden), is to put the whole ugly affair out of sight and mind; sticking around only serves to keep the wounds open and may be an unhealthy thing for them to do. This doesn’t mean they don’t appreciate the work others are doing or are not grateful for it. Perhaps they find other ways to give back to the world that have nothing to do with FATCA or CBT.
Conversely, some people who ardently continue to ‘fight the good fight’ in whatever ways they can, are not necessarily doing it mostly for the benefit of others. Perhaps they are stuck in anger and looking for revenge, or perhaps they are on a bit of an ego trip and enjoy the attention that being ‘part of a cause’ brings. One can never fully understand the motivations of others. It’s hard enough to figure out our own sometimes.
@Bubblebustin, I agree that this whole ordeal has been character-building for me. It’s taught me personal responsibility and not to take things for granted. And I agree with everyone in this thread that we need a *group hug* and that I will always be eternally grateful for all the information and support here.
I know that at this stage I mainly come to vent my often conflicting feelings but am sure, given the circumstances, that I made the right decision for me to renounce….already, my life is so much simpler and less stressful.
I will never be quite the same but am a stronger and more compassionate person for it.
Ah man- forget this whole “character-building” crap. I now need strong antacids on a regular basis as only one of my physical complaints. 🙁
I think some of us that remain here after “solving” the US problem may be “fixer” personalities, and/or those with a very strong sense of right and wrong. I was raised in a common situation where I was groomed as a child to take care of everyone, from multiple directions. I was also raised to be very opinionated and to speak out until I was heard. Kind of odd, now that I think about it as the two seem quite opposite in many situations.
I have not yet been heard by those that need to listen.
@Polly, ” I now need strong antacids on a regular basis as only one of my physical complaints.”
George recommends Omeprazole. 😉
I drink more than I used to 😛
@moaner, You aren’t the only one. I’ve done some of my most prolific “commenting” after having more than just a couple. I wish my laptop came with a breathalyzer lock out device.
@The Mom, I’ve been thinking more about what you wrote earlier:
“I know grief, and it’s stages. I learned I was being called a US person right after all of this happened. I went STRAIGHT to anger/rebellion. I had already learned all of the other stages well, but had nowhere to vent my anger in those situations. I’ve saved it all for THIS!”
It just dawned on me that I also “saved it all for THIS!” I don’t know what took me so long to figure that out. Whenever I see people express that FATCA was the worst thing that ever happened to them I am surprised, as for me it has just been one more shitty thing in a long string of shitty things. The difference this time is that I actually have a place to vent the anger.
@moanerlisa1776 & @WhiteKat
I noticed also I drank more… when I dragged out the bins for recycle… my sibling asked if I had a party & didn’t mention it… I had to stop… kids don’t care if u are not feeling your best… they want what they want now… we are now working on our home… things we put off for so long on our own… so that has helped with the tension & anger… sledge hammer is a wonderful tool… but my aim is kind of poor… I have bruises all over… also… over the yrs I have learned a very important rule… if I can’t pick up the power tool… don’t be a moron & plug it in… almost lost a limb cause I thought I was Bob the Builder… hubby still laughs at me for that stupid move… I realized a while ago… if it wasn’t for this web site… I would be all alone to try to figure things out… its too much for a person to figure it out by themselves… people here gets it & don’t need to try to explain the feelings which I am very thankful for…
I’d drink if I could afford it.
I’m just so pissed off that it’s doing dangerous things to my blood pressure. That’s why I’m not on as much, not that my wife’s problem is solved.
@The_Animal
I understand your anger… but u can’t let it rule your life… if you have a child or children… that goes by so quickly… in a blink of an eye… my oldest baby is no longer a baby… I use to have to wrestle that dang child to get the junk she put in her mouth… now I have to wrestle the car keys out of her hand… if u keep all this anger… u let them win… u can’t do that to yourself or to your love ones… u only live once… u do the best u can… being totally pissed all the time will not solve crap in life… all u do is isolate yourself where no one wants to be near u… its not worth it…
@Heidi
The bizarre thing is that the U.S. is creating a great deal of acrimony for something that isn’t actually going to raise that much money for it in the end. I used to hate it when people would write U$A, but now I see their point: the U.S. government doesn’t seem to know the value of anything but money nowadays. Whether a policy is wise or will create a nasty blowback or not doesn’t seem to come into their calculations.
@The Mom
Yes, I think that there are a lot of fixers here. I am amazed, in particular, by ShadowRaider, who has gone out of his way to help us. That is one of the things we have going for us (and the fact that the current U.S. tax policy towards citizens abroad is so blatantly unfair it is not hard to argue against it).
@Publius
http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/post-politics/wp/2015/05/20/jeb-bush-blasts-obama-for-his-handling-of-canada-and-iraq/