‘Twas the night before FATCA,
The United States Department of Fish and Wildlife has arrested Santa Claus, an elusive figure with many aliases (e.g., St. Nicholas). On the morning of 24 December, 150 heavily armed Fish and Wildlife special agents raided Claus’ North Pole compound, seized several tons of exotic woods forbidden by the Lacey Act, arrested Santa Claus and a female accomplice identified only as Mrs. Claus, and liberated thousands of diminutive slave labourers known only as “Elves”. Claus has been charged with multiple counts of money laundering, illegal exportation of currency, illegally importing into the United States toys made of contraband–rare woods, ivory and other banned substances. He has also been charged with violations of slave labor and child labor laws, hundreds of patent and trademark violations, and illegally entering and exiting the United States. Indeed, Fish and Wildlife agents also seized an unidentified aircraft called a “sleigh” which had numerous secret compartments holding the contraband. Fish and Wildlife agents charged Mr. Claus with animal cruelty with regard to the caribou that he used to launch this “sleigh”.
Special Agent Hugo Smith said, “We arrived just in the nick of time. A moment later, and the caribou would have launched the sleigh and Claus would have escaped with the illegal materials. By now, he would be in the United States, breaking into people’s houses and selling this stuff.”
The United States Department of Immigration and the Internal Revenue Service have also had their eyes on Mr. Claus. An immigration official who also attended the raid said that they were able to obtain several dozen passports. He said, “It seems that this Santa Claus character has a different name in every country–his EU passport says, ‘Father Christmas’ and his Canadian passport says, ‘Père Noël’. We have, however, determined with certainty that Santa Claus is a United States citizen.” Apparently Claus worked in Hollywood during the 1940s and 50s making autobiographical films, such as Miracle on 34th Street. During that time he applied for and received U.S. citizenship.
Douglas Shulman, Commissioner of the IRS, has released the following statement:
At long last, the notorious tax cheat, Santa Claus, has been apprehended. He has been living in a foreign country for the last 50 years and during that time he has not filed his US taxes even once. It has become clear, however, that he has run a lucrative business at the North Pole and has never reported any of the income. In addition to criminal tax evasion, we intend to charge Santa Claus with 190 counts of criminal failure to file Foreign Bank Account Reports (FBAR), as we found evidence in his papers that he is operating or has signing authority on bank accounts in 190 different countries. It is our contention that the fines alone could help us bring billions in revenue into the United States government.
According to United States law, all United States Citizens are required to pay taxes to the IRS and to report any foreign bank accounts. Failure to obey these filing requirements may result in civil and criminal penalties including imprisonment.
The Obama administration declared that they were very pleased with the news. “It is about time,” Obama said from his Hawaian retreat, “that the United States returned those who have fled the country just because they don’t feel like paying their fair share anymore.”
The Republican candidate for president, Ron Paul criticized the raid, “The United States has neither the authority nor the right to go into another country and enforce its laws. Santa Claus is a citizen of the North Pole and it is overreach for us to go there and arrest him.” Also running for president, former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich responded to Paul, “The United States must reserve the right to arrest terrorists and to violate the rule of law in order to provide safety for the People of the United States.” Prime Minister Stephen Harper of Canada said that his government did everything that they could to help the United States, even to the point of allowing the use of Canadian air space. “We are cooperating with the good faith efforts of the United States to eliminate terrorists in order to maintain the safety and security of all Canadians.”
Twas the night before FATCA, and all through the house.
Not a politician nor media was stirring, not even a louse
@ All
I’m still borrowing an e-mail address from Mr. Em to post this (not ready yet to set up a new account for myself). Actually I feel a bit EMbarrassed about that “poem” effort. It was done while my husband and I were putting in two days of hard labour doing his final tax filing and 8854 (not to mention the hours and hours we spent previously, rummaging around to find documentation for every number we gave them). It has been physically, mentally and EMotionally draining. (It even drained the ink cartridge in our printer which meant a day trip to buy more ink — none available in our small town.) The forms went into the trackable mail a few hours ago and now Mr. Em has gone boating to unwind. I’m reading and catching up with some neglected gardening to do my unwinding.
When I went out to vote in our by-election earlier today (I voted ABC — Anybody But Con) I stopped in to have a long chat with the owner of our local newspaper who happens to be a neighbour of ours and maybe (fingers crossed) he’ll place the latest ADCS press release in the paper. Hope so. I explained why it was so important that people in our area be alerted to what is about to happen at their banks after Canada Day. My other errand today was to drop Twig#2 for the ADCS fund into the mail. I think maybe I should just take “a long summer’s nap” until the That Channel interview begins. My energy meter is registering in the red right now.
Em, you’re your own worst critic. I love it — and what you were able to provide works out nicely for the purpose. Who else could have provided what you did — me? HaHaHa!!!
Thanks so much for creating while you were doing so much other important US “stuff”. It can’t be a long summer’s nap before that program — remember you’re in Alberta, so 6:00 p.m. our time.
Em: I think it’s fabulous. I’m not a poet, but here’s my addition.
On the night they passed FATCA
All through the House
The Cons were all laughing.
What a louse.
I know louse should be plural, but it doesn’t rhyme.
Or… Con Keddy, especially, a louse.
@calgary411
U are a heck of alot nicer then me… I call him A-Hole & a few other choice words in a bunch of different languages… We should all laugh & demand back the money that was paid to him to represent canadians… have the US gov’t pay his salary…. instead of giving him the bonus I am sure they are kicking under the table to him… traitor that he is
Excellent poem, but I’m adding a teeny criticism…….should it not be: ‘Twas the Nightmare Before FATCA’?
“1) The taxes are not worth the value being returned.
I don’t have a problem paying taxes, so long as they go to something worthwhile. I will end up paying around 33% – an entire 1/3rd of my income – in my 2013 tax return. Yes, I am getting a refund, but when I am paying tens of thousands of dollars and not getting the services I should receive for that investment in my country, celebrating the return of a few hundred dollars seems absurd.
Where is my benefit from my government for all of this? Do I have free healthcare? No. Do I have a world class education for my child? No. Do I have any kind of guaranteed income should I lose my job? No.
No, instead, I have a country which is the only one in the world to tax its overseas citizens. A country that bails out banks who prey on those who just want a home to raise a family when they become insolvent – but when it happens to me, and I short sell my home, the IRS is there, ready to tax me on “phantom income” – forgiven debt.
I have a country that spends billions on fighting wars for political gain, but does nothing when there actually is evidence of WMD use against others. A country that hemorrhages so much money on military spending, it must turn around and take loans against my child’s future – her income – in order to continue to pay for programs we don’t need.
2) I’m tired of people being surprised that I’m American because I have manners, common courtesy, and the ability to see the other side of issues.
Seriously, the number of people I meet who think Americans are rascal-riding land whales (like in the movie Wall-E) with handle-bar mounted machine guns, a sack of Big Macs in the front basket, a clinical addiction to NASCAR, and a passion for the modern day artist that is Jerry Springer – it’s just too much. I’ve been introducing myself as Canadian because apparently I’m so polite, that’s where they mostly assume I’m from.
3) The fact that none of this is ever going to change, regardless of what party is in charge, and the fact that the American government continues to shred the constitution a little more each year, until it doesn’t even matter anymore.
You may not think of America as a police state, but it is. Nobody’s going to come grab you in the middle of the night, unless you’re reported as a terrorist of some kind. At that point, just forget about “police work” and get ready for the SWAT team.
Nobody is going to take your children way from you, unless Child Protective Services is called, and someone decides – for whatever reason – that it’s “in the child’s best interest” to be removed.
Nobody is ever going to interfere with your access to medicine, unless you’re trying to get something that isn’t ridiculously expensive from another country; in that case, get ready for being charged as a drug trafficker.
Nobody is going to freeze your bank accounts, passport, and other means of movement, unless the IRS believes you haven’t given them enough money. Suddenly you have debt to prove isn’t there, and it will all get “sorted out” at the blistering fast speed of government efficiency. Or you could just pay the amount they say and it all ends quickly.
4) The fact that the future for my child in the US is so dark.
All this debt, and it’s going to fall on her and her children. She’s broke, and she doesn’t even know it yet. Disgusting.
Well, I count myself fortunate that I don’t own a home in the US – it affords me the ability to even consider leaving it all behind. There’s so much propaganda about how wonderful America is but, when you look at it without those rosy lenses on, what you really see is horrifying.”
@ John, Tricia and Peter
Thank you so much for that wonderful, relaxed and informative conversation. You can’t imagine how much I needed to see and hear something like this today. You are AWESOME!
Yes, thanks to the three of you — and to you, Em. It ended in just the right way — your words. It was a good conversation!!
T’Was the night before the Charter Ruling at the Canadian Supreme Court House,
The IRS was trembling like a little scared mouse…….
Keep the money coming in.
Either the IRS or the Canadian foreign financial institutions and the government who came to their rescue.
There will be another smaller ‘in tribute’ contribution from me tomorrow. How I wish I were a person who could make a big difference.
@calgary411
U have made a big difference… u put a face to the problem we will all have… U have gone out of your way to talk with anyone u can inform & try to get them to understand the situation… U were brave just like all the others willing to put your names and faces out there…. I am not so brave… I am underground & I plan to stay there as long as I can…. which I am sure will not be that long at all… I am sick & tired of all the media calling us tax evaders… I didn’t evade crap… I lived my life… not knowing crap about all this… This has the potential to wreck havoc for the elders… after working so hard… stop us from enjoying the fruits of labour.. So don’t think u didn’t make a difference… in my eyes… u have made a huge difference… and I thank u….
was it saved for youtube, or available anyplace else_
Meanwhile on the Southern US Border:
http://gatetoliberty.blogspot.ca/2014/06/pay-no-attention-to-man-behind-curtain.html
And This:
@Calgary411, ditto what USPF said.
Two additional reasons for my donations;
1.) A tribute and thanks to your courage for coming out.
2.) We need to help your son, the child you love greatly.
And since its July, my commitment for three me donation mailings shall now begin.
Thank you, USPF, and thank you, George, for your support to ADCS — and for your valuable input onto the Isaac Brock site.
We are all brave in this fight, some of us more able to put our names out there than others. Thanks for standing up for my son — and, most importantly, for anyone who doe not have or has not found a voice to do the same. We are doing the work we thought we had elected government officials to do — protect the people of the countries in which we live.
The Independent Nation interview (John, Tricia and Peter) is available on youtube now:
A video is available on Global National, aired today July 2 regarding FATCA. Maybe someone can provide the link. I am not sure how to do it. John Richardson is one of the people interviewed.
Thanks heartsick. Updated. Here is a direct link to the video clip:
http://globalnews.ca/video/1429153/opposition-to-controversial-new-bank-rule
Had my first FACTA related experience today, July 2nd. Ive been living in Tashkent (Uzbekistan) for the past 12 years as a legal resident and banking at the same institution with zero problems. I do online wire transfers from my US based bank as needed, and use a Visa check card to withdraw cash. I went in today to withdraw $2,000 from my U.S based Visa check card and I was shuffled to some manager who then shuffled me to someone else, eventually it was clear no one knew what to do, I was an American citizen and toxic. After about 30 minutes they gave me my cash and told me that I would need to fill out paperwork the next time I came into the Bank. I got the impression my days were numbered as a bank client. As a retiree living on a modest pension, im by no means some high roller, and file my taxes on time every year. If all the banks close their doors to US citizens living abroad I honestly don’t know how we will survive. I guess we use western union or some other system that charges 6-8%. Im currently paying only 1-2% to get cash abroad from my US based bank. Add this to the money im losing from low CD rates and you can see that retiree’s living abroad are really paying a high price.
For John, Tricia, Peter and All:
Parody of “Indiana Wants Me” by Canadian singer-songwriter R. Dean Taylor
(Sirens)
Now the U.S. wants me
Lord, I can’t go back there
Now the U.S. wants me
Lord, I can’t go back there
I wish Media
Had heard me
If a bill ever needed dying, it did
Congress had no right to say what they said about me
They were so cold and heartless calling ‘tax cheat’
Out there, FATCA is coming
I’ve been so tired of running
Now the U.S. wants me
Lord, I can’t go back there
Now the U.S. wants me
Lord, I can’t go back there
I wish Congressmen
Had heard me
It hurts to see the tyrants they’ve become
And to know I’ll never see the dawn of freedom in both lands
I’ll never see the end of fines or tax demands
If just once more I could see
Hope, our strength and our pride of country
Now the U.S. wants me
Lord, I can’t go back there
Now the U.S. wants me
Lord, I can’t go back there
(Sirens)
I wish Parliament
Had heard me
I hope this message finds it way to you
Forgive them not for the pain they’ve put me through
And all my fears
I’ll look back to the memories of pre-FATCA years
Red lights are flashing around me
Good Lord, it looks like they found me
Oh the U.S. found me
Lord, don’t take me back there
Oh the U.S. found me
Lord, don’t take me back there
I wish Canada
Had heard me
Oh the U.S. found me
Lord, don’t take me back there
(This is the IRS, you are surrounded, give yourself up)
|Em
This is hilarious! I think it should get it’s own post. Or maybe we can start a new feature and add such things. We all need cheering up. At any rate, I have tweeted it.
Thank you!