With the dearth of seriousness that pervades most of the topics we slog through, day after day. it seems a little fun is in order, especially when something unusual has been created! This post grows out of a comment being posted as a post and again, as a comment becoming a post.
Would see an abolute shame to see this gem of Embee’s get buried away; without the post it refers to, it wouldn’t make sense.
So here it all is, in complete form.
FORM PEOPLE
to the tune of “Goldfinger”
Form People
They’re the ones
The ones with a vampire’s bite
A scary sight
Such a cold people
Beckon you to enter their world of fines
You must decline
Bafflegab they will pour in your ear
But their words can’t disguise what you fear
For the clever ones know how bad this ends
It’s the kiss of death to befriend
Form People
Clever ones, beware of their deeds untold
Their hearts are cold
Bafflegab they will pour in your ear
But their words can’t disguise what you fear
For the clever ones know how bad this ends
It’s the kiss of death to befriend
Form People
Clever ones, beware of their deeds untold
Their hearts are cold
They love only forms
Only forms
They love forms
They love only forms
Only forms
They love forms
Even though Canadians rounded up and turned over by FATCA to the IRS are advised NOT to go to these people for help, for example, on whether they should or should not comply with laws of of a foreign government, or whether they are in fact a U.S. person, some will go stampeding to “Form People” for that first pass advice.
Form People (also known as “compliance condors” or “compliance vultures”) are mostly honest and hardworking, but they live in a special world — a world in which forms are sacred.
“Tricia and Stephen,
You are absolutely right when you say that “Wonderful World of Forms, Threats and Penalties” is completely normal from the perspective of the Compliance Condor. In fact, for most of them, the completion of forms is the fundamental obligation of citizenship (or at least U.S. citizenship).
Furthermore, very few of them see the system of taxes, forms as penalties as being immoral. They just see it as normal.
One could say that the Compliance Condors work “within the system”. But, the truth is that the Compliance Condors “Are The System”.
They make it work. They shape the law. They shape the expectation of the law. Once one Condor begins filing a specific form (example 3520 for the TFSA) the other Condors are sure to follow.
Because Condors are “Inside The Form” looking only at the Form, they can’t imagine what it means to be “Outside The Form” looking in. They can’t see the immorality, the injustice, the waste of human resource and the dehumanizing of the individual. In fact the Compliance Condors “aid and abet” each of these things – they take pride in doing it.
But, there’s much more.
In the “Form Industry” there is a hierarchy of forms. Those who are most experienced assist with the most complex forms.
Imagine the day in the life of a Compliance Condor when he/she reaches the point where he is assigned a 5471 [anyone out there own a Canadian (i.e. “foreign”) corporation?] or an 8621 [how about a single share of a passive investment company?].
After all, those who are most junior would start with an FBAR or perhaps a schedule B. The value of a Compliance Condor is a function of the forms to which he is entrusted. His sense of “self worth” is defined by the form that he is assigned.
A Compliance Condor would start the day by looking the mirror and saying:
“In forms we trust”.
The most dedicated Condors dream of Forms.
But, they do more than dream about Forms. Because their identity is a function of their forms, many of them go further than dreaming about forms. Those who are most dedicated actually dream about being specific line numbers on different forms . In social settings they confide about their dreams to other Condors.
In the industry, these are known as “Form Dreams”.
So, yes when the Compliance Condors write about FATCA, FBAR and other sacred instruments of confiscation, they are being sincere. They believe are being helpful.
They are NOT being dishonest And above all else, they are simply writing about the world they way they see it and the way they experience it.
And that Dr. Reader is exactly the problem!
P.S. Avoid “Form Crime” – The Compliance Condors will love you!”
— THIS SAINTLY MAN, revered by all FORM PEOPLE (and by the happily IRS compliant worldwide), is the CREATOR of the FORMS:
Wonderful EmBee.
To the tune of “gold middle-finger” me thinks. Another fantastic creation, Em.
@ Bubblebustin
LOL Yes, I often find myself typing with that particular finger when sending e-mails to the CONnivers in parliament.
“such a COLD people….”
@ Tricia
Favour please? Could you change “they’re” to “their” (in 6 places — THEIR words … THEIR deeds … THEIR hearts). I really shouldn’t do these things when I’m tired — like last night after trying to keep up with the very busy Brock site all day. Sheesh, that’s such a stupid mistake. 🙁
Thank you, Tricia. That was really quick.
On a better note … I got to use the word “bafflegab” for the very first time. 🙂
Is there a pastor among the Brockers who could perhaps compose a “Minnows’ Prayer”, which the believers among us might include in our daily prayers to the Almighty? With so many faithful from all over the world making the petition, how can He turn a deaf ear?
@ charlie
I know we have Dorian Baxter (aka The Reverend Elvis Priestly) on our side but as far as I know he doesn’t participate in Brock. He spoke at the Toronto Forum.
If he understands the egregious injustice being foisted on the innocent, he might step up to the plate and take up our cause as His cause.
All Glory be to the Creator of Forms. May their caskets be lined with Form 940, 941,1040,EZ1040,W2,W3 and may the lid be made of authentic 1099’s.
Good one Embee.
Didn’t have time to do much more than look at just a glance at IBS today, but, I loved the ‘gold middle-finger’ ditty @Embee, and it gave me a good laugh. I’ll be laughing inside over the comments @bubblebustin, and Embee’s parody all day.
Thanks as always!
@Charlie
“HIS eye is on the sparrow and I know HE watches me”
All our prayers going up to HIM every single day , hour, week, month, year are heard. HE sees it all and knows it all and expects us to fight hard for what is right and good in this world.
‘The Lord hears the lamentations of the righteous’
Not so sure how gemmy this is, especially since I stole shamelessly from Blaze’s terrific “White Christmas” parody over at the Maple Sandbox (http://maplesandbox.ca/2014/im-dreaming-of-a-strong-canada) but I thought maybe it wouldn’t hurt to have an international version too, since we have readers come here from many countries. I think most people know this tune.
We’re dreaming of a strong country
Just like the one we used to know
Where our leaders listen
And it’s their mission
To tell FATCA it must go
We’re dreaming of a strong country
Where every person is first rate
May our dreams be fearless and great
And may all our tax concerns abate
We’re dreaming of a strong country
Just like the one we used to know
Where our rights are sacred
And highly rated
To help freedom thrive and grow
We’re dreaming of a strong country
With every tax form that we file
We’ll know FATCA’s on the junk pile
And C.B.T. next to go brings smiles
May our days be merry and bright
And may FATCA’s darkness come to light
And may FATCA’s darkness come to light
And may FATCA’s darkness come to light
A Merry Happy Christmas to Everyone!
Bravo, EmBee! I think I’ll send it to my Con MP for Christmas. Thank you. Maybe we should all send it to our MP’s, Conservative or otherwise!
@EmBee,
Roy Berg JD LLM (US tax) is a tax professional who works for Moodys Gartner Tax Law LLP in Alberta, where he is the Director of US tax law. .
His firm accepts money to “help” Canadians become IRS compliant. Previously he said: “Sticking to what we know, the plaintiffs [Ginny and Gwen] seem to have admitted that they willfully did not file FBARs and US tax returns, both of which are criminal acts.
On December 21 2014 1 his firm came up with this friendly Christmas jingle:
“CRA / IRS are Coming to Town”
You better watch out
You better not cry
You better not pout I’m telling you why
CRA / IRS are coming to town!
They’re making a list
And checking it twice
Gonna find out who needs MGTL’s tax advice
CRA / IRS is coming to town! …
They see you when your deducting
They know when you are planning
They know if you’ve been paying your taxes…etc.”
See the complete jingle at: http://www.moodysgartner.com/cra-irs-are-coming-to-town/
I’m not an expert like you, but I think that Roy has a lot to learn about jingles and I’m not really sure that his song will be sufficient to drive those recalcitrant Canadians to his tax firm and into a lifetime of IRS compliance.
Anyway, I just sent him for his education your “Form People” and “White Christmas” songs which I hope he will find useful. I also asked Roy to post your jingles, for the sake of balance, on his Moodys Garnter blog site.
Gotta love those early morning blood pressure spikes, Stephen. I thought you must have been kidding, but then I checked. Who, other than other condors, would find that amusing? What a bunch of insensitive a$$holes.
@ Stephen Kish
Roy Berg’s paroditty stinks. It’s NOT very jingly at all (unless that means the anticipated sound of coins from UNrecalcitrant Canadians falling into Moody’s coffers). It is however very jingoistic. He needs to stick to his day job.
—- I just received this variation on “Form People” from a very generous donor couple who continues to save our bacon.
The couple was greatly inspired (and quite teary-eyed) by Roy Berg’s passionate Christmas lyrics’s on his Moodys Gartner Tax Law LLP company website (see above).
This song is dedicated of course to Canada’s favorite Form Person we all love to hate — the one and only …. Mr. Roy!!!
Short People (with apologies to Randy Newman)
Form People got no reason
Form People got no reason
Form People got no reason
To live
They got clammy hands
And shifty eyes
They walk around
Tellin’ great big lies
They got sharpened pencils
For vast audit sheets
And dire invoices
Saying we’re foreign tax cheats
Well, I don’t want no Form People
Don’t want no Form People
Don’t want no Form People
‘Round here
Form People just ain’t the same
As you and I
(They’re really bad guys)
We don’t hound others
Until the day they die
(We don’t like Form People)
Form People ain’t nobody
Form People ain’t nobody
Form People ain’t nobody
To love
They got volumes of tax code
They think is just
If you try to fight ‘em
They’ll grind you to dust
They’re mean little people
Who think they’re so brave
And if we don’t beat ‘em
You’ll be their tax slave
They got grubby little fingers
And petty little minds
They’ll try to get you every time
Well, I don’t want no Form People
Don’t want no Form People
Don’t want no Form People
‘Round here
© Form People, Ltd
Thank you “very generous donor couple who continues to save our bacon”. I love it! Very catchy and definitely superior to the Moody muff. I didn’t know the song so I went to youtube …
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1NvgLkuEtkA
Anybody else want to try a parody? It’s easy … find the lyrics and a youtube of a song you like … split a WP page into two columns … put the original lyrics on one side and start playing with words on the other side until … VOILA … you have a parody. It’s more fun than reading about “custom holds” and “John Doe summonses”.
Being a short person, I much prefer our generous donor couple’s rendition of this melody.
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@ Tricia
Regarding your relayed request for a “My Favourite Things” parody … I finally found some words. There are so many more “favourite things” to be found here and at the Maple Sandbox that this deserves more verses. If anyone wants to give parodoodling a try this is a great aid — http://www.rhymezone.com/
My Favourite Things
Peter writes fables and Eric charts tables
Bright Brockers chatter on C.B.T. matters
Papers submitted say FATCA has strings
These are a few of my favourite things
Badger’s great research and Carol’s grand passion
Brockers and Boxers storm all MP bastions
Condors can’t fly when we drag on their wings
These are a few of my favourite things
GwEvil is fearless and Stephen’s got wisdom
Both do their best to help poor FATCA victims
Everyone pulling makes freedom bells ring
These are a few of my favourite things
When the trolls bite
When their words sting
When I’m feeling sad
I simply remember my favourite things
And then I don’t feel so bad