U.S. Federal agents arrested Santa Claus earlier today at the North Pole. Special Christmas Edition (Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!)
The United States Department of Fish and Wildlife has arrested Santa Claus, an elusive figure with many aliases (e.g., St. Nicholas). On the morning of 24 December, 150 heavily armed Fish and Wildlife special agents raided Claus’ North Pole compound, seized several tons of exotic woods forbidden by the Lacey Act, arrested Santa Claus and a female accomplice identified only as Mrs. Claus, and liberated thousands of diminutive slave labourers known only as “Elves”. Claus has been charged with multiple counts of money laundering, illegal exportation of currency, illegally importing into the United States toys made of contraband–rare woods, ivory and other banned substances. He has also been charged with violations of slave labor and child labor laws, hundreds of patent and trademark violations, and illegally entering and exiting the United States. Indeed, Fish and Wildlife agents also seized an unidentified aircraft called a “sleigh” which had numerous secret compartments holding the contraband. Fish and Wildlife agents charged Mr. Claus with animal cruelty with regard to the caribou that he used to launch this “sleigh”.
Special Agent Hugo Smith said, “We arrived just in the nick of time. A moment later, and the caribou would have launched the sleigh and Claus would have escaped with the illegal materials. By now, he would be in the United States, breaking into people’s houses and selling this stuff.”
The United States Department of Immigration and the Internal Revenue Service have also had their eyes on Mr. Claus. An immigration official who also attended the raid said that they were able to obtain several dozen passports. He said, “It seems that this Santa Claus character has a different name in every country–his EU passport says, ‘Father Christmas’ and his Canadian passport says, ‘Père Noël’. We have, however, determined with certainty that Santa Claus is a United States citizen.” Apparently Claus worked in Hollywood during the 1940s and 50s making autobiographical films, such as Miracle on 34th Street. During that time he applied for and received U.S. citizenship.
Douglas Shulman, Commissioner of the IRS, has released the following statement:
At long last, the notorious tax cheat, Santa Claus, has been apprehended. He has been living in a foreign country for the last 50 years and during that time he has not filed his US taxes even once. It has become clear, however, that he has run a lucrative business at the North Pole and has never reported any of the income. In addition to criminal tax evasion, we intend to charge Santa Claus with 190 counts of criminal failure to file Foreign Bank Account Reports (FBAR), as we found evidence in his papers that he is operating or has signing authority on bank accounts in 190 different countries. It is our contention that the fines alone could help us bring billions in revenue into the United States government.
According to United States law, all United States Citizens are required to pay taxes to the IRS and to report any foreign bank accounts. Failure to obey these filing requirements may result in civil and criminal penalties including imprisonment.
The Obama administration declared that they were very pleased with the news. “It is about time,” Obama said from his Hawaian retreat, “that the United States returned those who have fled the country just because they don’t feel like paying their fair share anymore.”
The Republican candidate for president, Ron Paul criticized the raid, “The United States has neither the authority nor the right to go into another country and enforce its laws. Santa Claus is a citizen of the North Pole and it is overreach for us to go there and arrest him.” Also running for president, former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich responded to Paul, “The United States must reserve the right to arrest terrorists and to violate the rule of law in order to provide safety for the People of the United States.” Prime Minister Stephen Harper of Canada said that his government did everything that they could to help the United States, even to the point of allowing the use of Canadian air space. “We are cooperating with the good faith efforts of the United States to eliminate terrorists in order to maintain the safety and security of all Canadians.”
Lmao 😀 Merry Christmas!!
Thanks for the humor. Christmas has arrived in NZ, and all noticed that he hadn’t made it south of the equator this year. Wondered why. Should have known.
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Hope you don’t mind. I sent the news and link to Dan Mitchel, and he posted it on his web site. Merry Christmas!
Actually, when I saw that this morning, it was like a nice little Christmas gift. Mitchell has hundreds of followers. Thanks so much for taking the initiative.
btw… I received your note and invitation. Mulling it over!
Contact me directly please.
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Congratulations, Petros – it took a mere 15 days for the Isaac Brock Society to make it to the Cato Institute site!
Bravo! That should get this issue some very wide readership.
Great idea – hugely helpful in getting the word out.
Sorry, I should have said a site run by a Cato Institute scholar. It was reprinted on Dan Mitchell’s blog.
Mitchell shared the post again at Townhall today.
Now it’s been shared over 300 times.
This really was a stroke of genius – hats off to you!
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Breaking story on the NYTs Home page…
This is big, I think… As the NYTs is the paper of record, and when it speaks others listen. I have already sent this to all my reporter email addresses. Make as many aware of the issue as possible…
Article title: Law to Find Tax Evaders Denounced
What is sad and, to a Canadian nationalist, profoundly humiliating, albeit accurate, is the final paragraph citing Prime Minister Harper’s total and toadying surrender of Canadian sovereignty in assisting the FBI in this nefarious (fictional but totally believable) action. Even in a parody, some Americans are noticing that our current federal government is simply rolling over on its back every time the US wants to have its way with us. What’s worse, of course, isn’t that Americans are noticing and our national reputation is besmirched, but the actual fact that it’s happening with FATCA and many other policy matters besides taxation.
At least some Americans do “get it” though. Thanks for calling this to our attention!
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Absolutely brilliant – Reads like a proper news story on the BBC too! Cheers
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